Eye gouging filmmaking

Saw Flightplan last night - wow what a film! It made me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a fork and then stab them for having witnessed such a heinous act of filmmaking. Aside from that it was great...

Ever been in a film where it gets so bad that you just cant help but laugh (in a sardonic manner of course - which goes a little something like huh huh, or just a hur), and then you look around and find that in fact nobody but you is laughing in such a way? Instead these people are actually being pulled into the utter nonsensical claptrap that is being projected for their mindless consumption? Are these the same people who hanker for McDonalds and feel satisfied after eating a Big Mac?

It was a rubbish film because it failed to fulfill two basic remits of storytelling:
1) Suspension of disbelief
2) A sympathetic protagonist

What was Jodie Foster thinking?

Not quite bad as Love Actually (people - do you really think Londoners live like that? Do you? Really? Is that why you made it the most rented movie of 2004? Why? Why? Why? Have you no taste? No qualms? No consideration for quality? OK I'll stop, but still I'll suffer... Especially since people close to me admit to liking the film) but still its up there.

Thank God that the Pillow Book was on Channel 4 - stayed up till 2am watching it to get rid of the slimy, grimy, lardy aftertaste of Flightplan. If you havent seen it I thoroughly recommend it...

Places that didnt make me angry

Croatia is stunning - the sun, the sea, the food, helps me in my struggle through the drudgery of winter in London


Kong in Paris, great location, great atmosphere, expensive, but worth it.. Despite the showy, pretentious fashionista wannabes

Single vs Married problems

I have married friends I have single friends. However the latter far outweigh the former. Two of them came to me with a problem each - you decide which is worse:
Single Friend cant seem to find any decent men around - I know, SHOCK HORROR! Which is why she's currently dating a man who carries around his car stereo in his pocket and has various skin ailments including psoraisis. And to top it off an in-grown toenail affliction which he delights in talking about. Despite this, she continues to date him and even kissed him... gasp! What's the problem you ask? Nothing, except she finds this man fairly repulsive.
Married friend - her husband is obsessed with porn on the net - I know once again, SHOCK HORROR. Who isn't you may ask? However she finds the whole obsession a bit creepy but despite this she has come to a compromise - next time he wants to look at porn, he does it with her. Which seems fair enough? Except that she has caught him going at it on his own again.

Hmm... tough one. My answer to both: Thank God you're not married to/dating a man with psoraisis who is obsessed with porn. I mean come on, we've got to be grateful for what we don't have as well as what we do.

Literati wankerati

So there they all were last night, the cream of the british literati scene comprising of a super-agent, Penguin big-gun, and two of the hot young things from the Brit-Lit scene - lets call them Mr and Ms Brit Lit. Mr BritLit (BL) was flanked by his ingenue blonde artiste girlfriend, who sat curled up on the couch sipping cocktails looking like she belonged in a 60's movie with Brigitte Bardot. Ms BL who arrived late wearing knee high black boots (with silver zips at the back) fish-net stockings, and a black pencil suit sucked vigorously at a cigarette and sipped mineral water in a champagne glass. It's like hello, this isn't the Left Bank love. "Since when did writers start to look like corporate suits?" My friend asked. It's true, they did. Mr BL wore a black fitted V-neck sweater with Top Brand jeans (which I'm sure cost more than a hundred quid at least) with polished black leather shoes that didnt even have creases in them yet. And even though he sipped a beer and tried to cover up the posh accent you couldn't help but think - ah you can take the boy out of Oxford, but you can never, ever, take that Oxbridge wanky attitude out of the "boy". But best of all was the Penguin big-gun, calling Austin Powers - your mini-me is right here! Who larffed larffed larffed with his loud obnoxious larf, flanked by his blonde girlfriend and Mr BL's blonde ingenue, pretending like he was James Bond. Made me honestly re-think wanting this whole literary career.

Image of the night - Penguin Big-gun and Mr BL dressed up like twins in identikit sweater-jeans combo, flanked by their two blondes, laughing as they coiffed their wines like they were the f*ckin Gatsby's. Almost made me want to puke. I can still taste the bile in my mouth from thinking about that sight.

Here you see my image of hip young writers in their bohemian get-up come shattering down to reality. They're not living life on the line in the urban jungle, sucking out the guts of the world and spitting them out on the page like Modern day Ernest Hemingways. No they are just Posh twats who wear V-Neck jumpers and drink red wine while quoting 16th century poetry and commenting on how it holds so much relevance to us today (real example from last night). Oh how simplistically naive I be... stupid girl.

Hooray I finished my scripts!

Final drafts sent off yesterday - didnt think I could do it but there you go, the editor really liked them - to air in January! Yay!

Best part - got paid 75% of commission before writing a word
Bad part - Money was already spent before receiving a penny

Looking at buying a new TV since the 14 year-old Bush Battler is starting to look a bit dated - might check with antique shops if they'd give me some money for it. No second-hand dodgy ebay deals any more - not after last time - spending £400 on a busted plasma esp. when the bastard wouldn't take it back and wouldnt return calls/emails. Hope he's a shrivelled up decaying wreck with electrocuted balls. Aaah that's better...

Funny Spam

These two letters made me wonder, who/what exactly did they use to translate what must've originally been written in a foreign language

Sir/Madam,
Your current situation has been shown to the specific parties, and upon meticulous contemplation, we are able to extend to you the next opportunity.

Based upon meticulous contemplation you meet the criteria to attain a abundant revenue on your initial property investment.

By completing the next attached form in a timely manner we will be able to conclude our evaluation, and we feel firm you will attain not only a reduced rate of interest, but also a cash return that will accomplish all your holiday needs and more!

Please go here to conclude this juncture of the settlement.

With sincerest regards,

Alyssa Golden

Dear Alyssa, I am intrigued and privileged by the meticulous contemplation you have bestowed upon my slovenly being. I shall henceforth respond herewith with the utmost haste in concluding with great forethought this juncture of settlement, henceforth forewith yours incontinently...

And straight after that my mate Darrel emailed me about this exciting offer:

Sir/Madam,
Your portfolio has been reviewed to the specific committees, and upon prudent forethought, we are able to submit to you the ensuing opportunity.

Based upon prudent forethought you meet the criteria to get a princely earnings on your first property investment.

By completing the ensuing attached form in a timely manner we will be able to settle our assessment, and we feel firm you will get not only a reduced rate of interest, but also a cash return that will realize all your holiday needs and more!

Please go here to settle this period of the contract.

Hoping on the best for you all.

Darrel Call

Dear Darrel, the prudent forethought you have offered me has spurred me to hencewith instigate the receiving of the port of communication which shall enable us complete in a timely manner the matters required to obtain a princely monetary return.

These spam emails highlight two obvious points:

1) I obviously don't get enough email from actual friends so I now have to resort to opening junk mail... *sigh* sad but true... No wonder I'm so angry
2) Babelfish is great in theory but perhaps not so good in practice. Eg De beste Heer/Mevrouw thou hast voortaan bewezen aan mij dat thou veel teveel tijd op thy handen heeft.

A funeral weekend

The question is why does the word Funeral have Fun in it? Far from it I think.
Well you know the funeral wasnt even the reason why my weekend sucked so desperately badly. Three words as my friend remarked when I told her about it - Weird Waspy Clan (man). I dont know. I got shunned and treated with utter contempt for being there to offer my condolences. Last time I try to be nice.
The other crappy thing - the B&B - wow OK can I just come out and say this - I HATE B&B'S! I'll take an anonymous sprawling globalised multinational soul-killing chain hotel any day. Anyone who has twee ideas about nice old ladies serving tea with your scones as you smoke your pipe in the library is sorely mistaken about what B&Bs really are. They are full of incompetent, slow, miserable people who make Faulty Towers look like Hotel du Vin. Having a room opposite the Breakfast room doesnt help. From 7 am you hear the other sad losers coming in and making idle chit chat with the unbelievably slloooowww cook about how they were there for a christening, holiday, shopping break, killing spree whatever... I really didnt need to know. Never have I been happier to arrive back into Kings Cross at close to midnight. Which if you've ever been in Kings Cross close to midnight is saying a lot.

Things/people that/who really irk me

1) Beatch who lives downstairs. She was such a random pain in the arse when we were moving into our flat. Stood outside the flat with her watch waiting till it was 6pm and we couldn't legally do any work and told us if we did she would be calling the police. AND THEN 3 MONTHS LATER - Beatch pretended to not know me and wouldnt let me into the building - mentioned the graffiti problem the building had been experiencing and i was like well it wasn't me (you effing piece of stinky crap).
Honestly this woman walks around with army pants in her garden, with her red cropped hair thinking she's some butch Arnold Schwarzeneggar... yes I did say butch - Arnie'd be scared of her.
2)The Health clinic where I was getting accupuncture for my lower back pain who suddenly without warning decided to take me off their books. Ugh the NHS bureaucracy is absolutely mind boggling. It was due to administrative errors but now they won't let me back till May next year! Like what the...? *Need to write complaint letter.
3) My writing career - ok so I'm getting some paid work but where the hell are the publishing editors with their six figure bidding wars? Spoke to a couple at Penguin and Bloomsbury - but what good were you? What good were you I ask you?!!!
4) People who think they're better than me but pretend to be my friend (God I sound so 14) /be interested in my writing. F**k YOU. It's like oh yeah, and I read so and so, and really, yah... these people seem to either exist in the theatre world or be american (Or both in one case so far).
5) Random anger I hold for people in the past including my first boss when I was a graduate. Man Hands hope you rot. The reference of course taken from the Seinfeld Man hands episode - cos my boss had these huge hands she being 6 foot 3 and all. And the racist biddy Delia who lived next door to me in my first flat in London All Saints Court Battersea. God I hope maggots are feasting on your intestines you horrendous piece of work.
6) Finally and most importantly the Government of The United states of America - for this and this and this and especially this idiot and all that you've done in making this world such a horrendous place you c*nts.
OK thats all for now but I'm sure i'll be adding to this list later

Dont look back in anger

Some anger quotes:

- Anger does nobody good, but patience is the father of kindness - Anonymous. *Yawn, try being kind in a big city like London. Reminds me of this San Franciscan who moved to this city recently and told a girl on the tube she had a nice skirt. Well the looks she got and the way the girl moved slowly but surely away from her, she may as well be carrying a black bag with explosives.*

- . . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. ~ Herman Melville, Moby Dick *Yes! How I feel first thing in the morning* rraaaaaaaah

- When angry count four; when very angry, swear. - Mark Twain *Oh f*ck*

- Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. ~Albert Einstein *Note to self - first must get bosom then must find fool - yeah ok already got one of those*