Anti-Social Behaviour

A friend and I were discussing (via email - you mean people actually talk these days?!) that we've never looked forward to any social outing ever. Well okay that's a slight exaggeration, but generally social gatherings fill me with dread. I know its a total syndrome of today's electronic society or maybe I'm just a leper. So I have to force myself to go out, I do force myself. I'm not like a you know, hibernating bear, although I do feel like it at times especially in January. In any case I was meant to go to a dance class today. Yes an actual dance class - I've never been to a dance class unless you count the tap and ballet lessons my mother forced me to attend as a child. So anyway these dance people sent an email around asking us to bring feather boas and high heels for the stretching part of the lesson - like whatta? And there will be photographers capturing us for the website - whatta whatta? Yeah OK I know I live in notting hill but this is ridiculous. So I'm canning that idea. Now I'm faced with two other social invitiations, some literary talk or going to the pub to celebrate australia day - and you know what I'd rather do? Stay in a warm flat and watch TV. What's wrong with me? Maybe I've learnt my lesson, I went out for a little bit today and bought some shoes on the way (I'm sickeningly obsessed with shoe buying) and came back to find the DHL courier had dropped by. Now if I'd stayed at home I would've received my parcel - that'll teach me for venturing outside.

River whales and cyclops kittens

There's a whale swimming up the Thames today. First time thats ever happened in history. It was trying to beach itself around Battersea, where I first lived when I moved to London. If I was there I'd go see it. I felt so sorry for it, splashing its tail around and all this blood in the murky brown water. They think its hurt. I have an affinity with whales, one day I hope to swim with one. If thats not weird enough I then saw this photo. Is it just the beginning of the year craziness? Or is this the beginning of something a lot more sinister? Aliens attacking perhaps?.... hmmmmm Think about that one....

It's a weird WWWeb out there

Imagine a conversation someone had with another someone about a website they wanted to create - ok picture this right, I eat and then I cry and I video myself doing this and post it on the web. And then like see I get all these other weirdos *ahem* people to like do the same, and it would be like such a post post modern ironic statement about the banality of existence, not to mention it'd be like soooo coool. And like weird. But cool. Cool and weird. Isn't that like what the internet is all about?
Watch people eating while they cry. Why? Cos its out there and you know you're curious. And a little disturbed...

Crossing the line between man and bum

Seinfeldisms - just cause we all need a laugh - well they make me laugh anyway...

"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Yes."
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."
- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"

"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.'"
- George, in "The Bris"

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember it was such a special treat, you go and they serve you this different food you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure. And now, I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
The Chinese Restaurant

Jerry: All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I'm wearing a little hat, I'm jumping through fire.. They're putting their little alien heads in my mouth...
Jerry: At least it's show business...
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to, uh... you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
The Bizarro Jerry

Theatrical conversation

This is a conversation I had last night with a literary theatre lady in the interval of a play.
Theatre lady (TL): So what does (-insert indian word-) mean?
Me trying to grasp at the meaning since I really wasnt sure offer some kind of explanation.
TL trying to understand but not really: Right, right. But what does it mean? Because I heard it used a few times in the play.
Me really trying to remember, offer pretty much the same explanation again. I'm like a thesaurus. Then say: I really am not the best person to ask.
TL: (Shocked - and I dont mean sarcastically shocked, like actually shocked) Really? You're not?
Me: No see, since I'm not Indian. I dont speak hindi, I speak (-insert my language-) (I start to offer an explanation of the differences in my heritage and Indian culture).
TL (a bit intensely now trying to understand) Tries to pronounce the name of my language but fails: Right, right. So what do the images mean in Indian culture. (And trust me she phrased this question so vaguely I had no idea what she was on about and we went back and forth for a bit before I ascertained that's what she was asking).
Me: (Really confused) You mean the images in the play?
TL: Yes, yes the play. The images.
Me: I uh, (vaguely trying to remember any significant images and really pushing my mind into overtime trying to find links but failing) I really can't say, since Indian culture is quite different from my own. (and really I thought of attempting an explanation but thought I didnt want to be the second fool in this conversation).
TL: Really? Is it? But the images... They surely have some significance.
OK lets pause here and consider the fact that she works in the literary department of the theatre where the play was being performed. OK so she's new there, but still...
Me: Uh, I uh, you know I'll have to let the play sink in, give it some time before I can really discover the full significance... blah blah bullshit.
TL: Yes, but what do the images mean in Indian culture. (Here she takes a big sip of wine).
OK now firstly I could be offended because she really didnt get that I wasn't Indian. Secondly I could consider that perhaps she was testing my credentials as a playwright. But I didnt think either, she was a well-meaning intense kind of nervous woman who just didnt know better, but still I was left very confused. And strangely enough so was she by this odd conversation.
TL (suddenly the penny seems to drop): OH ah, right, well, yes... (starts beating a hasty retreat). See you after the play.
Of course we never spoke after the play. But the whole thing was So Weird....
Really did show how damn anglo-centric the whole of the theatre world is (yeah, like no duh!) despite their best efforts in trying to be "inclusive" by recruiting people like me on board.
Anyway welcome back London.

A dog gone year

All hail oh father, the end of the year of the rooster...
Welcome Year of the Dog
Although I guess technically since the Chinese new year hasnt happened yet, it is still year of the rooster and the dog year has yet to begin.. Chinese new year by the way happens to be on January 29th 2006. Dont you hate it when a new year begins and it takes you months before you get used to writing the new year when you're writing dates? Like you know you'll be still accidentally putting 05 when you mean 06 in Feb... Unless of course you happen to be you know, quite anal.
But interestingly it is Year 4702 by Chinese calendar - which means without actually realising it we are living in the future. And we really should be writing 02 in our dates since Chinese civilisation is far more older than the dominant western one.

So yesterday as we were on our way to the new years eve celebrations in the desert, it started to rain - in the desert, and I couldnt believe that I was in the desert and it was bloody well raining! And OK so rain is not that Uncommon in the desert but still... its an actual desert and I was there and it was raining! What are the chances of that?

The rain incidentally made front page news in The Gulf News. Our daily subscription to the paper has taught me a lot of facts about this part of the world. Which despite all its technocratic appearances, with its big malls and luxury hotels reveals a country still holding on to archaic religiously-influenced laws which has no real rights for the expats who form a majority of the population.
For eg - Facts:
- Homosexuality is illegal. As my Gulf News informed me there was outrage when a few "gays" started sending photos of each other using bluetooth technology. How the old and new world collide.
- Bachelors are regarded as less-desirables. My Gulf News informed me of how a landlord evicted all the bachelors of his building, just because of their single status. And how certain residents complained of bachelors living next door to them. The shock! Can you imagine The Odd Couple next door to you? Really..
- Labourers are treated akin to animals. With their shocking labour camps and no working rights, means that as my Gulf News reported, a whole bunch of them could work for no pay for 6 months, and their employer still doesnt have to pay them despite being caught out.
OK so its not really my Gulf News, just a paper that keeps my singular functioning braincell occupied with its rather haphazard reporting. What my Gulf News didnt report is that living in the UAE can make you fat.
Fact: No body walks, everyone drives. You can even drive to the laundry beep your horn and a little man comes scuttling out to serve you.
You have people to clean after you cook for you, i'm sure you could even find someone to chew your food and inject it straight into your gullet if you couldnt be bothered with the tiresome act of chewing.
Counting down to 5 more days to London... I know I'll regret looking forward to coming back as soon as I arrive back into Heathrow - which is a place that surely must feature on one of Dante's rings of hell.