Venting my anger at random stuff

In stasis

2009-07-03T13:44:00.002Z

Well life has certainly blown up, combusted, is beyond recognition since Baby came along. Baby who is the absolute apple of my eye but is so damn Exhausting. Baby who needs to be continuously entertained and brought into the toilet with me. Baby who is brilliant but wont let mummy sleep. Hence I have no energy to be angry anymore. Sometimes I'm on Automaton. Is that even a word? Me No Write... Me no Brain pwoer.. Power to create coherent sentences.
So like Andy Murray what the fuck is the deal with that guy? Yeah dont get his appeal.
thats about it for now...

Downward dog

2007-11-07T17:25:00.000Z

Have started doing Ashtanga - I know look at me doing yoga, living in Notting hill, who do I think I am, I make myself sick.

Aside from the self-loathing I've never got the appeal of yoga - I've done it in gyms before and it's been pretty crap. All these lycra clad hippy-shaking yogi wannabes purveying a spiritual philosophy thats thousands years old as exercise! That would never be appealing if taught by an old Indian man, so they get these posh toffs who spent a Summer in Goa thinking yes! I know! Yoga! That's my calling! Pah!

But, I've decided, that there must be something to it. So I've booked myself in to a Beginners Ashtanga course. All sounded good in theory, but now when the inevitable day toils around - the day of the class - I start getting the jitters. It's dark, it's cold. Have I eaten well enough in advance so there is no gas toiling away in my nether regions waiting be released at just the wrong moment? What do I wear? What about VPL? How much of a view of my backside is the guy standing behind me getting when I do the downward dog? Dude you're meant to be hanging your head low, not looking up!

Sigh, four more sessions to go before the course is up. Can't wait.

I love seafood

2007-11-07T17:20:00.001Z

Memories of a summer bank holiday in spain - all I can remember is the seafood - mmm keeps me warm in Winter.

A prawn too far - I love prawns but that was one prawn too much!

Maddog 357

2007-10-24T15:26:00.000Z

The title says it all - you gotta be a maddawwwg to try. The most insane, hallucination inducing, molten lava chilli sauce you'll ever try. I promise. Just make sure its not more than a tiny dab unless you want to burn through your intenstines... mmm pleasant thought. I had the misfortune of eating this at a restaurant on westbourne grove and it literally blew me away - surprised no one's sued them yet! Well, it is an american diner style place...

Lost in the ether

2007-09-12T12:54:00.000Z

Where have I been aside from being lost amongst all the millions of voices in the 0011001100s of the WWW.
Condensed it goes like this -
finished my novel but the agent who likes it wants me to rewrite - we meet but she hasnt signed me on - i find this confusing. I have rewritten but too scared to send it...
Travelled to three continents in six weeks - now feel guilty about carbon footprint
spent time with my family who I see on an annual basis - realise its been 3 years since I saw one of my brothers - when we meet we act like we saw each other yesterday. Miss them like hell.
Gotten on facebook, and find myself addicted to it more than tea - think the addiction will last for 6 months before i get bored.

But most of my time I'm considering what the hell I'm doing with my life - actually consider going back to office work but then don't want to be standing on the ledge of a building contemplating jumping off in a year's time...

So lets see

Emergency straightening

2007-04-23T13:10:00.000Z

Vending machines - they go where no shopkeeper dares to go - train platforms, dark alleys, that deserted corner of the airport where all the no-frills airlines disembark, bar toilets, all in the name of convenience... Sure I can understand dispensing fatty crisps, and fizzy drinks, hey I've even seen ones at airports dispensing trashy paperbacks, but a hair straightener? I was in Birmingham a few days ago and saw this gadget in a bar toilet. Like really, why? Is frizz the worst thing that could happen to you in a darkened bar in the Midlands? Hot irons and alcohol combined could have some fun effects though.

Don't you love this photo. What could they be talking about?

Blonde: Oh my god can you believe I forgot to straighten my hair?

Brunette: Yeah and you stink too - want a spritz?

Blonde: Sure, and then later we can talk about our sanitary needs.

Brunette: Absolutely! Right after we bitch about our "best friend" who happens to be in one of the cubicles right now.

Blonde: Yes, public toilets are the best place to bitch about friends - they are so private and no one else can hear you. Ooh shit I just electrocuted myself, lucky I'm brain dead enough to not notice.

Oh I'm sure they're both very nice girls.

Fishy dinner

2007-04-23T13:01:00.000Z

I made this dish last week and I was so proud I took a photo.

Grilled trout with fresh chilli and coriander and garlic potato mash.

Talking of photos I was looking through photos of M's 28th birthday and in every one I'm either finding something absolutely hilarious or I've got a stupid grin on my face. It was a tequila bar, but as the old adage goes, one cocktail, two cocktail, three cocktail, floor. Thank god no floor show occurred. Still it wouldn't hurt if I'd straightened up for a shot or two.

Things to make you go hmmm - part deux

2007-03-16T15:30:00.000Z

Had an interesting discussion with a bunch of Brits - sorry that sounded like an insult right - no some lovely people who happened to all be British about the use of the C word (rhymes with hunt - for reference see MI2 - the scottish bad guy spitting out Hunt at Tom Cruise is brilliant) They were all flabbergasted that someone could find the word offensive. I mentioned how in Australia no one used the word - well at least with the people I hung out. But apparently Aussies use it even more regularly than Brits. I guess if you live in the Outback and hang out with sheep shearers... Over here saying the word is akin to saying excuse me, or hello... Which I guess would be a very pleasant way to be greeted I'm sure. Had to spend the rest of the night being referred to by C-word - apparently it was a form of bonding....

Been forcing myself to go to the gym, but I've been noticing a lot of people who try to esuage the gym-guilt by taking a magazine or a book and plonking themselves on a stationary bike before peddling with the most minimum of efforts - apparently in the belief that they are exercising. Uh, no you're not. The gym is meant to kill, it's meant to work up a sweat, its not a pleasant place to while away the afternoon - I dont care if it is a posh gym in Notting Hill - the gym is awful. It's hideous. You want to burn the maximum number of calories and get the hell out of there. What's wrong with these people? You are neither exercising nor are you reading the book/magazing properly - chuck your book and get to work people!

What's with all the bloody building works happening - spring is here and everyone is trying to spruce up their flats - except that if you work from home it can mean being privvy to the harmonious sounds of drilling and hammering - kind of like a melodic axing of one's skull. Ah spring how lovely you bloom, with your daffodils and your jackhammers.

Things that make you go hm...

2007-02-15T13:09:00.000Z

So January's come and gone, February's almost over. Where does the time go? I must be getting old. It snowed so that was exciting... For a day. Covering up all the shit on the London streets. What else?
- Our bathroom was flooding so we had to move out till they fix it - who knows when that will be as the builders havent been on the job for the last two days.
- We are staying in this temporary accommodation - this guy's flat - in his bedroom he has a big picture of a naked woman her face tied up with a white cloth, her hands tied behind her back, backing into a cement wall like she's about to be shot. But hey its in black and white so it must be arty....
- In an attempt to waste as much time as possible online, I joined Myspace. I've got no friends, well, 10.
- I partied like it's well... 2007... on a tuesday night. That was exciting.
- The place was called Favela Chic and I pondered the ethics of marketing poverty - you can just imagine them saying - its like we'll take the shanty town concept, put it in East London and have all the marketing execs from Hoxton pay £8 for cocktails and pretend they're slumming it. Ha ha ha ha. How they must have laughed.
- Had the obligatory Valentine's dinner - even though I wrote an anti-Valentine's play. All the couples on the tables next to us were pretending to make an extra effort to be romantic, to actually listen to what their partners were saying, but I bet everyone was thinking when can I get home and undo my belt buckle.
- A couple entered the restaurant and said they won't be eating, they'll only be having champagne. The woman looked like she was out of a French movie and I imagined what it would be like to have her cigarette and champagne lifestyle. She'll probably be dead by the time she's 40, but who cares when you're thin and pouty?

London's deserted - it must be Xmas

2006-12-14T19:51:00.000Z

It's almost Christmas which means hordes of Londoners desert the city like rats from a sinking ship. Having spent two New years eves in this city I can wholeheartedly say the best thing to do is to leave because no one else is here. So off I go once again to sunnier shores. A bit of sun, and more importantly seeing family. Is it just plain wrong to admit you havent seen your parents in a year? Or your brother in almost three years - having missed the moments of his life when he went from 17 to a 20 year old adult? It's because we are such a nomadic lot - parents travelling more than kids, we are dispersed across the continents like islands onto ourselves.
So bye to annoying neighbours - the crazy old insomniac lady who lives upstairs and despite it being winter opens her windows from midnight onwards and blares her TV as loud as it will go, or the Portugese couple downstairs who will never open their door to us even though we suspect our bathroom is leaking into their ceiling and are constantly cooking aromatic foods all day long every day - Good bye to the weather although really it hasn't gotten that cold - Goodbye to that you-suspect-you-maybe getting a cold feeling so keep shoving echinacea and vitamin C down your throat - Goodbye to isolation and sitting for hours infront of the computer willing yourself to write. Goodbye to Xmas parties - which is unusual for me but this year has bought quite a few invites and there you are at the Globe theatre watching old white people dance to a terrible house band playing Abba. Goodbye... for now. It all starts again in Jan.
Merry Xmas, Eid, Hannukah, whatever... And here's praying and hoping next year is a good one.

Thank God its not November

2006-12-04T13:44:00.000Z

Wow November what a month! At one point I could've sworn I was about to have bits of brain come out of my ears - now that's a pleasant image. There was a play, radio scripts, short story launch, oh and this little novel thing I'm writing. Thank God a lot of it is over. When you look back at it, it all sounds glamourous having a play on at a theatre in Soho, and meeting your script editor at the members only Bafta bar, and meeting politicians and famous writers at the launch of this book in which your story is published in. But at the end of it, when the dust has settled you realise, what a load of rubbish. Really, at the end of it what are you left with? Just some small talk and cringey memories of you drinking too much because you were nervous. I know I shouldn't be like that. It's all good, it's all London.

So anyway this month is going to be about vacant, vacuous pursuits like - celebrity gossip blogs such as popsugar and dlisted. And ridiculous TV shows like Girls of the Playboy Mansion - which if you havent seen it, well how can I describe it but its basically a show about the 80 year-old Hugh Hefner cavorting with 20-something blonde fembots. There's nothing creepier than the sight of his quivering wet lips reaching out to them for a kiss. Ugggggh.
And to add a dose of reality see how rich you are on a global scale.

Wild London

2006-11-16T17:20:00.000Z

It's rare to see wildlife in London, unless you count rabid squirrels or mangled pigeons with pinkeye and crooked broken feet or the pesky mice that are still at plague proportions but nowadays the population tends to ignore them. But we are living in the centre of a throbbing metropolis that's filled to bursting point, 7.5 million and counting - its not like the Serengeti, when it's just you and a thin layer of canvas protecting you from a pack of hyenas howling at the foot of your tent - and you're so scared they'll take a nip at your feet you curl up into a ball and stay frozen in that position till morning, spending the night listening as they take over your campsite along with some wild cats and later on a pack of lions - true story this happened to us in Africa. But recently late at night I've been hearing this strange wild howling coming from the park that faces my window. Initial thoughts that it were the local crazies from the halfway house across the road being filmed for a Bumfight were soon disappated when I looked out the window and under the full moon saw two grey furry foxes complete with bushy tail and all locking fists. I didnt hear them again for months until now, when they make an appearance just about every night. We think they may be living in a completely overgrown and wild garden owned by some people downstairs. Can you imagine, foxes living in your garden that's no bigger than an average patio? Sounds scary, but still not as bad as having hyenas at your front door.

New york, new york...

2006-11-03T14:08:00.000Z

Still getting over the jetlag not helped by matters that I got a bit sloshed at a book launch last night - alcohol and jetlag does not mix - lets just say that. Memorable moments so far from NYC in no particular order (more may come as the haze starts to fade):
1) a pimp and his prostitute fighting near Penn station
2) living as a local in a Chelsea apartment
3) Being chased by an MTV scout in Sephoras (why can't we have one of these shops in the UK?) to see if I wanted to be on an MTV show. I said sure, without thinking, and invited my friends to come join me. But she saw them and said well, we are only looking for people between 18-25. Rock! I still look young. I declined in the end anyway.
4) Times square - it's cheesy and gaudy, and the centre of mass consumerism but there's nothing like it anywhere else.
5) American Breakfast TV - we only watched TV at that time, but I couldn't help wonder why the BBC's Breakfast show couldn't be more like this, rather than interviewing 80 year olds about the the state pension for 40 minutes.
6) Bagels for breakfast
7) Halloween! How surreal was it to walk next to serial killers and sexpot nurses for days on end.
8) Texas sized drinks. Imagine a 12oz cocktail, beer or soft drink even.
9) Being able to eat and drink at any time of day. And more importantly...
10) Being able to shop for shoes at 1am.

Trade off

2006-10-21T16:22:00.000Z

I was in H&M earlier today salivating at the 50% off madness, trying not to get bruised by the sharp elbows of shopping-crazed women with their laser-sharp gaze focussed on bagging another bargain, and then I remembered this Channel 4 news story I saw earlier this week that showed how even though all these high street stores say they subscribe to some kind of Ethical trading foundation, they still have 9 year old kids working in sweatshop conditions in Bangladesh. The undercover story showed all these little kids hunched over sewing machines for 10 hours a day, producing disposable t-shirts that we in the West can wear maybe 2 or 3 times before throwing away. Talk about a shopping buzz kill. And suddenly everything in the store looked crap. I could see it for what it was - just racks of superficial consumption to help you fill that gaping hole of emptiness that threatens to swallow you up if you ever stopped for a second to think about it. No wonder shopping is the second most popular leisure activity after watching TV. They are just distraction techniques, stopping you from facing up to life. I just couldn't buy anything. M - whose arms were full of discounted t-shirts and sweaters (men are just as bad as women) - felt pretty guilty after I told him my thoughts, so he asked if he should put all the clothes away. And I was like, what, are you going to shop fairtrade from now on? Wouldn't that mean a future of recycled hemp clothing, all in attractive varieties of beige? I'm sure its not that bad - but still why are all these clothes in cream, or olive green? So he continued on his way to the till, with a tinge of a guilty conscience, and I decided, I think I have enough clothes to do me for now..... till New York that is.

When marketing calls go wrong

2006-10-03T11:41:00.000Z

I've been getting marketing phone calls EveryDay for the last week from some off-shore telemarketing firm, trying to sell me mobile phone packages. I think I'm a bit too nice to them. Every time they call I politely request they take me off their mailing list. And then the next day I'll get a call again. This last time before they even started to speak I said, can you please take me off your mailing list, I get calls from you every day about mobile phones! So the guy on the other end said look madam if I talk to you about mobile phones you have every right to scold me. I make the mistake of laughing and say OK, then he goes, so Madam, are you happy with your mobile phone package? Like what the...? I never should've laughed. You can't let out that you're a normal decent person. That you have a shred of humanity and manners. I should've been like this guy... Although, he seems like on the verge of a breakdown.(Make sure your sound's turned on)

This blog is sponsored by the Arts Council

2006-09-29T14:52:00.000Z

Uh, well no not really. But the Arts Council have generously offered me a grant to write my novel. Woohoo! It's incredibly generous of them, since they've become a bit tight-fisted of late, especially because the government isn't offering them any more funding till 2008. But I can't be bothered with all that because I have a grant! Celebrations galore have occurred, and now that the dust is starting to settle I realise I actually have to write the damn thing. Hence the need to procrastinate. Which is why i'm here blogging away, tralalala. And visiting my favourite money-saving website. Lalalala. But the novel sits there, slowly, waiting, patiently for my return. I can't shake this thing from my mind, it follows me wherever I go. I maybe having a laugh, drinking with a few friends, but the beast will be standing there, silently in the corner, waiting, waiting. Damn you, you novel beast! Yet, strangely enough, I love you - well, only if you end up getting published some day that is... Otherwise... well it's best not to contemplate that.

Travelling with friends (or people you just met)

2006-09-29T14:23:00.000Z

Off to New york in a few weeks! I know, I have a very weighty carbon footprint to worry about - hoping some of it is offset by the fact that I dont own a car and walk or public transport it everywhere. I try to eat mostly organic and try to limit my food miles. God who would think just existing these days would get so complicated. Travelling with friend and partner, which should prove interesting as she is single and we are celebrating our anniversary. Hmm...
It's always tricky travelling with friends, you just dont know what your relationship is going to be like at the end of your trip. It reminds me of the time I was backpacking through Europe by myself and met this Aussie girl who on a whim suggested we go to Dublin for a week. I didnt know her from Adam (or should that be Eve?) but I was footloose and carefree and went wherever the wind took me - aaah those were the days. She was fine in the beginning, as we slept in dorms with 20 other people and hung out with a Norwegian "artist" (who was staying in our hostel for free as long as he helped in cleaning it - which made him more of a cleaner than an artist but anyway) and the Irish guys who were friends of friends of hers who thankfully steered us clear of the tourist hole known as Temple Bar, and went to Irish poetry recitals for the free wine, but then suddenly near the end of the trip she turned into - silent weirdo. Suddenly she was pissed off at me, to the point that on the last day of our trip, she completely stopped speaking to me. It was so out of the blue (and I know when people say that they're denying they did something wrong, but really I wrecked my brain and couldn't come up with anything) so I asked her and she was adamant it was all fine. But it was weird, on our bus ride to the airport - silence - at the airport - silence, except for when she asked to have separate seats from me. I kept asking her what was wrong, but she said it was nothing. Aeroplane ride - silence. Journey on train back to London - we sat opposite each other but she didnt say a word. To this day I dont know what that was about since I never saw her again. Except bizarrely enough many years later when I was working at a big media company, she started working in the same department as me! In fact she sat opposite me - but guess what, not a word! We didnt even admit we knew each other. I told my boss at the time about this but she couldn't believe it was true. Later on, after I left the company, my boss contacted me and said that she indeed was a real strange person. I think she was troubled thats all, she told me how when she was at uni some ambulance guys beat her up because they thought she was a drug addict. What can you say to that?
In any case that's an extreme example of when "Trips with friends (or people you just met) go wrong", but I'll be taking heed on my New York trip nonetheless and hoping to keep my friendship and relationship intact by the end. Fingers crossed.

Light a million candles

2006-09-18T16:30:00.000Z

I was up last night at 1.30am watching CNN*, as you do when you get up at midday on a Sunday and aren't a slave to the economic grind - ie you don't have an office to get to at 9am, although technically I have a home office so really I should be there from then on, but hey I'm the boss, which means I'm not there till well past 9. Anyway, I saw this ad and it really affected me. If you want to help click on www.lightamillioncandles.com and light a candle - they've only got 89,000 at last count and are hoping for a million by the end of the year. God I sound like one of those awful forwarded messages you delete as soon as they plague your inbox, but hey, I've got a right to send out guilt-inducing pleas once in a while too.

*For some reason CNN reminds me of being overseas, because no matter where in the world you are if you have a TV in your hotel room it'll probably be tuned to CNN.

London Living

2006-09-12T12:42:00.000Z

I had a friend visit from Sydney recently (who'd been living in London for the past few years) and he mentioned you don't notice it when you live here, but when you go away and return you find this undeniable tension in the air in London, that seeps into you as soon you step into the city. There's this sense of competition that's always in the air, like when you step off the tube and there's a rush to see who can get to the escalator first, like when people block your path and you tsk at them because god forbid they make you 2 seconds late, and I realise, I'm like that. It's this need to rush all the time, which is why you won't find very many people over 30, or very many families living in this city - London's like a massive wave that you ride for a while and then it washes you up and throws you out when you're no longer fit enough, young enough, rich enough to live here... I'm wondering when my wave's going to run its course.

The Brady couple

2006-09-11T13:04:00.000Z

So the detested beatch who lived downstairs and stomped around in her army pants and butch haircut, has moved surprisingly to go live with her "boyfriend". She has now been replaced with a couple who we still are deciding are the better or worse of two evils. I mean the couple are fine and everything, it's just that they are very, very social. It's like yeah hey be social, but to have a party every night is just rubbing everyone's faces in it. They are blonde and ever so perky and happy with their tea lights dotted around the garden and little fairies hanging in the bushes and their smug faces and their happy friends honestly, get a life, you're not in bloody Devon here. It's an ex-council in notting hill, can we have a reality check? I mean every night, no matter the weather, although ok it's been pretty nice lately they'll be out there eating "alfresco" actually talking you know, not slumped in front of the tele shovelling food from a trough, like normal people. And then their pretty friends laughing with their trilly laughs, grrr, it's enough to send a misanthrope like me into a frenzy. Yeah ok so i seem like the grinch in their fairytale existence, but can someone rub a bit of acid into all that sugariness. Please?

Smorgasbord, schmorgasbord

2006-08-30T13:54:00.000Z

To keep the Africa blues at bay we thought we'd book cheap flights to somewhere in europe, so it was all about closing your eyes and pointing at the map of Europe - except that it's more like check out ryanair and see what are the cheapest flights you can get - the winner ladies and gentleman was Stockholm. Ah yes, the land of the Swedes - and I'm not talking about turnips or swedish people here, i'm talking about The Swedes - hello, Abba anyone? yeah. Turned out that while the flights were cheap, everything else was OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE. Yes I needed to utilise my Caps buttons since it was OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE. Think £100 for the cheapest room you can find in a hotel. Forget hotel, hostels themselves were working out at £35 per person in a dorm! Get real... Guess it was because we chose to go there in August, during the UK's bank holiday weekend. Anyway, we had to try and forget the costs and enjoy ourselves. So we booked into a studio in a suburb, since staying in the centre was crazy expensive. I mean - EXPENSIVE. Otherwise it was all good good, except the Swedes, and I mean swedish people, as opposed to Abba, were not the most you know, um, whats the word, friendly? forthcoming? interesting? I think they're a fairly reserved lot, unless they are drinking. Also we decided to go for the smorgasbord, i mean when else in your life are you going to be eating a smorgasbord, and splashed out at the smorgasbord experience at the Grand Hotel. But it's only when we were there, not thinking about the £100 we were spending on our dinner, that I realised, I actually really don't like herring - and smorgasbord is all about herring. Poached herring, pickled herring, herring in mustard, herring in pesto, herring in vinegar, herring in a hat and coat wearing a monocle singing hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime dooolll - no that's the frog from the Looney Toons cartoons. After a few mouthfuls of herring i was feeling rather ill, so I spent my £100 swedish dinner experience eating - crackers. Nice. Oh well. At least it got us out of London and Notting Hill carnival madness - nice to arrive home and see that it was all mostly cleared away - aside from the dried vomit and smell of urine emanating from every doorway - which reminds me of the first time I spent the Notting Hill carnival, watching the action from our balcony when a guy walked past and asked if he could piss in our doorway - yeah at least he asked, and when we said, uh, no, he just pulled down his pants along with his girlfriend and they just did their business right there in front of everyone to see. Now that is NICE.

Whats going on?

2006-08-21T13:33:00.000Z

So did you hear? Apparently there's a war on. Sorry, which war are you referring to specifically, you may ask? Exactly, is what I would say. Like what the fuck is going on? A woman having a panic attack on a plane is suspected of being a terrorist. Some idiot writes something about Al Qaeda on a sick bag and the plane is being escorted by Fighter jets and making an emergency landing. A woman carrying a moisturiser and a bottle of water is thought to be a terrorist just because she was Asian in appearance and getting on a flight in Hicksville USA where they aren't used to seeing them there coloured folk. And then yesterday a whole planeful of passengers, YES, an entire planeful of passengers refused to fly because two of the passengers were Middle Eastern in appearance. Can you believe it? Yes, here, in the UK, this very thing happened. Not Hicksville, although Manchester... well I can't comment, but from what I hear about the city, it aint all good, and yes so the plane was Monarch, and it was going to Malaga... But still... And then these innocent men, not only had to suffer that humiliation, but had to be taken off the plane, put through interrogation by the Police and then had to be cleared to fly, just because of the paranoia of some, narrow-minded, xenophobic Middle-Englanders. Should've left all complainers on the ground and flown with just the two middle eastern men on board living it up. See ya suckers! They would've shouted as they left.... Yeah, in another life maybe.

Little Jonny goes on the tube

2006-08-21T10:07:00.000Z

Little Jonny and his mother enter the tube. Little Jonny is probably no more than 4 years of age, his mother is a rather prim and proper lady who probably hankers for the day ladies wore gloves and spent their days crocheting and gentleman wore hats and threw down their jackets for any ladies about to cross puddles. There are lots of empty seats on the tube but Little Jonny and his mother don't sit on any. Instead they stand unsteadily, not holding on to anything as the train starts to rumble forward. Slightly wrong footed Jonny leans forward to grab on to a hand rail.
Mother: No! I said you were not to touch anything on the tube!
Jonny: But..
Mother: It's dirty! Do you know how dirty it is? You don't know whose touched what...
Jonny: OK...
The train jolts. Jonny is pushed forward and attempts to grab the seat.
Mother: All sorts of people sit on these seats. We dont know where they've been. A lot of them dont even wash their hands.
She then pulls out a wet wipe and starts to clean his hands. A few stops later they get off.

True tales of the underground, people.

I watched them incredulously and wondered about what kind of adult Little Jonny (most likely not his name) will grow up to be, and how much therapy he'll need before he can undo the damage his mother has inflicted on him. Poor boy. Sometimes I realise, it isn't too bad not being rich, don't think I could stand all that rich person's guilt to be honest.

Posh bikini wax

2006-08-11T10:44:00.000Z

So Victoria Beckham was in my local bikini wax store - not that I've ever been there mind. I've just walked past it and thought about going in there to enquire about their prices (which as it turns out are outrageous by the way - £50 for stripping off a bit of hair from your nether region!). But my friend (who is a regular bikini waxer) was in there the other day, asking about what types of bikini waxes they offer (there are so many now the mind boggles) and the sales assistant was patiently explaining the different types to her (she ended up settling for a Hollywood - wax off! It all off that is), all the while Victoria Beckham is standing patiently behind her listening to every word. Apparently she's very thin and very orange. And there was a crowd of people outside the store staring in to catch a glimpse of Posh. Like why was she in there in the first place, yeah its Notting Hill but not the posh part, you know.
Anyway you bump into quite a few "celebrities" around here and this friend suggested I create a star map to Notting Hill to sell around Portobello road. Kind of like they do in LA you know. But uh, i dont think it'll translate. Does anyone want to know where Jude Law and Sienna miller go for a drink? Or where Damon Albarn rides his bike? Yawn.... God I must be so bored to be writing about Posh spice. My brain's still in Africa I think.

Weirdo art people

2006-08-11T10:39:00.000Z

So I was thinking of joining this writers group that this girl (I'm assuming she's a girl) with the email address "artslut" was advertising. It sounded interesting and I sent her an email showing my interest and asked her about what she did (since after a few emails all I knew about her was that her initial was D). Like what her background was, and why she was interested in starting the writers group. I then told her about my writing background. Her response:
"About my background, etc: I have sent you all you need to know. I am not interested in plaudits; I don't want to see your CV or know what you've achieved. I am not hiring you for a job"
Whoa - yeah I want to be in a writers group lead by you lady! Yeah!!
I'm just thinking of what to respond to her.
Uh, I'm sorry, I thought I was writing to join the writers group, not apply to be a prison officer...
Or
You sound really scary, no thanks.

I dont know, she gives me the hibby jibbies so I probably wont respond with anything. I just deleted all her emails.

PHB

2006-08-10T12:40:00.000Z

Gotta massive dose of PHB (post holiday blues) sleeping in your own bed just doesn't compare to camping out in the wild with hyenas scratching around your tent and lions roaring in the distance, or seeing the sunrise up in the Serengeti, or driving around for ages only to be rewarded with the sight of a pack of 15 or so lions lazing around a pool so close you could almost touch them and seeing baby lion cubs at play teasing each other and annoying their mum, or listening to waves lapping on a deserted island off Zanzibar, or snorkelling with a turtle as your companion... pooh reality sucks!

Heading for adventure

2006-07-13T18:20:00.000Z

Don't you like my green bobbly hat ---> height of fashion people!
The time is here! I'm off tomorrow for my African adventure - been planning it since the beginning of the year, so am really looking forward to it! And better yet it means two weeks away from london - wooohoooooo! Three vaccinations in my arm, plus the malaria tablets that cost more than gold (also known as Malarone) plus all the other randomness I'm choosing to ingest (including Brewers yeast which apparently keep the mozzies away) better be worth it.

Was going to leave you with thoughts such as:
- how do you get rid of guests who're still in your flat well past midnight on a sunday when you have to wake up at 6 am the next day
AND
- what do you do when you find a friend's been using cocaine in your bathroom, AND they left their stash behind....

BUT no
Instead I shall leave you with links to random silliness on the web - anyone heard of kitlers? A bucket of owls anyone? No? Dogbees then? Sorry, that's Beedogs!
I'll seeya suckers on the other side...
Tata tatelle

Sale!

2006-07-08T15:08:00.000Z

The topshop sale's on and as soon as i found out I had to go on the website (like I'm really going to battle hyped up 16 year olds in an all out hormonal frenzy over discounted clothes in the actual bricks and mortar store.. puhlease) and buy a couple of items - aaah - now finally my soul is at piece... peace. Now I'm going to go read an article in the guardian (yes look at me I'm one of those people who read broadsheets on the weekend) about a woman who gave up shopping for a year. It was such an amazing feat that she wrote a book about it and the book became a success. What does that tell us about our consumerist society? Shouldn't she have just written the book and given it away for free? Why Sell the book? If I gave up computers for a year would i then go about writing about my experiences on a computer? No of course not, that just wouldn't be write, right..

No response

2006-07-07T17:25:00.000Z

You know when you email people, and they never respond and you think, shit are they pissed off at me? Even though they probably aren't or couldnt' be arsed, or read your email and thought, yeah that's nice and promptly forgot about it? I dont know. Especially with people you don't really know that well. Like this writer girl, who never got back to me after a couple of emails to her. So I was like agonising about what I wrote, what did i say that so offended her? And months go by and by chance we are to meet next week at a writing gig, so i thought to myself, why not, lets email her? And it turned out she never got my email in the first place. So all this agonising for nothing.
But it's different with friends you know well. When friends i know well, especially close friends don't email me back I know they're a bit peeved. I know it.

The blog is dead

2006-07-07T17:14:00.000Z

What's wrong with me? I hardly ever write, my mind is like sludge, even blogger doesn't remember my username or passwords any more.... waaah waaah waaaaah! not that anyone really reads this... it's like if a tree falls does it make a sound if noone's there to hear it? What's that mean anyway?
I've started uni again - and there's the enforced socialisation you feel you have to do because you'll be seeing the same people for a year. Anyway, first day at the pub after class and I couldn't help but see everyone as if we were on Big brother. All the cool people hung out together, while all the weirdos like me clamped together. Does this mean a) I watch Big brother far too often even though I hate it? And deny that I really ever watch it? or b) That I artificially creating tribal groupings that reflect my own level of self-esteem and confidence? One to ponder indeed. Anyway a month in and the pub group has gotten a lot smaller so now weirdo's and popular ones alike are united by their love of the alcoholic beverage... ah beer, how it unites you with people you would never speak to in any other circumstance. Not that I really drink beer, or like it much anyway... Much like Big Brother. Ugh! What have I become? I'm supposed to be a grown up here! 7 days and counting to Tanzania! I can't wait baby!

Do You like your 80's Music?

2006-06-16T11:07:00.000Z

A very comprehensive 80's video list - watch and sing along

http://www.milinkito.com/los80.php

Walk Like an Egyptian (is this racist?)

Have you got the right stuff? (I saw them live in concert you know? Aren't I cool!)

Photos of life

2006-06-16T10:49:00.000Z

Yeah I know this aint flickr or anything, but still here are some photos of my existence

The thought of canellini beans appeals to me more than its actual taste

Who doesn't like receiving flowers? I just hate it when they die and stink out the vase.

It's like they're in my TV and I'm photographing them - good on Paramount to screen two episodes of Seinfeld twice a day. Guess which episode?

When you can't think of what to get someone, get them a candle, or a photo frame... Our house is full of these things.

I'm trying to grow herbs in our little balcony - some die, some succeed either way we rarely use them in cooking

Looking at the above photos it seems my life boils down to flowers, candles, cooking and herbs, God I'm such a giirrrlll.. At least there's Seinfeld.

Insecty broccoli

2006-06-13T15:19:00.000Z

I had to spel chekc broccoli - i thought it was two ls.
Anyway, following on from the hairy muffin, I discovered insects in my Tesco bought broccoli (shee i keep wanting to spell it brocolli, or broccolli) anyway, what is with these big name institutions? So I bought the broc (lets just call it that) and put it in my veg compartment - lucky it was plastic wrapped - when I took it out to make a stirfry I noticed all these little insects crawling inside the plastic packaging - no idea what the insects were but they closely resembled lice. Anyway, the said broc is off to Tesco's customer complaint department - packaging alone cost me £2! So I better get that back. Unless of course Royal Mail choose to destroy it or, throw away packages containing insecty vegetables - shoot shouldn't have added the talcum powder in the package... Hm, anyway, to be continued.

PDAs

2006-06-05T14:15:00.000Z

Also known as Public Displays of Affection. You're into each other, you want to show the world - that's great! Just don't go overboard - yeah I know its spring and everything and the birds and the bees are at it - even the pigeons under my window are going for it - anyone see birds having sex? How does it work? Hm, I dont think i'll contemplate that any further. We were in the park over the weekend - finally a bit of glorious sunny weather after all the rain (its a wet drought apparently) and cold in June (!) - we lay out our blanket and stretched out in the sun, when we are distracted by the couple lying a few feet away from us. Hmm, lot of bobbing up and down in the grass - what's that - surely not we think. I mean, they were lying right next to a public pathway - if you really want to go the whole hog in the outdoors at least find a more private spot! Then they were half naked, and the guy, his arm and later his head... well lets just say he really liked pleasing his woman. All this out in the open for everyone to see. Soon we got bored of them and instead started looking at the expressions on the passers-by - these cyclists almost peddled into a tree. Then the guy gets up in his tiny black briefs and decides for no apparent reason to pull down his short (thankfully only in the back) and show his arse to the world. All this reminds me that the Brits can only handle the sun in small doses - also when it does finally get sunny they go crazy. What's that about mad dogs and englishmen...? ;)

Writing overload

2006-06-05T14:12:00.000Z

I'm half-arsedly working on a play with a dramaturg, about to start a year long screenwriting course this week, half-arsedly writing a novel, working on a short story to be published this year and just finished with two short plays. My mind is like garbage. Now if only I could do something full-arsedly rather than a lot of things half-arsedly. Damn laziness! Damn procrastination!

Further randomness - websites I've encountered

2006-05-16T14:17:00.000Z

- Ever had dreams that feature electronic media? Uh, hm, let me think about that one... If you have then send them here and they'll publish it on their blog
- Ever wanted to start a tribe on a remote Fijian island - huh? huh? Well now you can join one, all for a very-corporate-sounding-all-inclusive-packaged-price (although it sounds like a bit of marketing spiel to me) here
- Is the blog dead? Is Myspace really worth the hype? Apparently you're a nobody (in the music industry at least) if you don't have your own myspace account. Can I still join if I'm over 25? I have a friend - well sort of friend - who's in a band who have a hilarious song (and its not the intentionally funny kind). Listen here (its called Milkshake). Beck is rolling in his grave - he's dead isn't he? Or is he just a bit shit recently?

Random things I thought I'd mention...

2006-05-16T13:52:00.000Z

But I couldnt be bothered to put them in any kind of coherent post so here they are -

- these people who live two doors down from us are constantly out in the corridor with their crying baby. When I say corridor i dont mean the one inside their own flat, I mean the communal corridor, where the entire floor can hear their screaming, bawling baby. I wonder why they do that? Every day, they're out there with their baby - there must be something seriously wrong with that kid, he cries sooo much. But why do they feel the need to share? Why do they have to take the kid out of the flat? I dont understand. I sometimes think of calling child services, but of course that's something I would never do. But still, take the kid indoors, he's yours, you deal with his cries, trust me when I say, nobody wants to share your pain.
- why does the media make us feel guilty if we aren't at some big public event that's taking place. Case in point the Sultan's elephant Yeah alright, it was a big elephant and it was quite amazing up close, but basically the day can be broken down to - we went, we saw, we got crushed by the surging crowd, I got annoyed and took it out on M, we fought, we got coffee and vowed to never be swayed by anything the Guardian claims "you'll be telling your grandkids about" - uh no, I dont think I'll be telling them about a giant elephant.
- I got private insurance for my back pain so I went to see an accupuncturist, who aside from poking me with needles burnt some herbs on my ankles, he told me to tell him when i feel a tingle, but the herbs burnt so fast he actually burnt my skin. Sometimes I wonder how far I go with these new-age fangled stuff, all for a bit of back pain, really.
- I won a Penguin Prize for a short story I wrote which they are publishing later in the year. I'm ecstatic.

Theatre on my mind

2006-05-03T13:37:00.000Z

I find it fascinating how actors continue to act in plays that have widely received scathing or very negative reviews. This bore heavily on my mind as I went to see a play at a very respected theatre which has gotten a hammering from the press and mostly received 1 star for its production. I was actually excited about seeing it, because I thought surely it couldn't be as bad as that - I've worked with this theatre quite a lot before and they always get rave reviews for anything that they produce, even though I find quite a lot of their plays fairly dull. Anyway, it all started promisingly and then an hour later the play was over and I was like uh, what. It was the first time the stage lights went on and the audience didnt actually know whether they were meant to applaud. I peered at the actors faces as they hesitantly started to bow and felt really badly for them - but really there was no excuse the play really needed a lot more time before it was ready for production.
Cut to me a week later arguing with a 70 year old actor about the play - he loved it, and I understood why it was widely panned - I think I insulted him, I'm not sure. Perhaps I got too passionate - should one avoid revealing one's true thoughts to elderly people? Should one pay reverance to the elderly when they say stuff you dont really agree with? Hmmm..
Cut to me now, another week later trying to avoid seeing my own play that's on at a london theatre this week. Sent a pathetic excuse to the director that I couldnt make the dress rehearsals, anyway its too late, they cant really make any changes now. Will be seeing it on its final performance. Sitting squirming hoping that its not a big car crash. It shouldn't be, I hope.

Hairy muffin

2006-04-21T15:45:00.000Z

Good ol Starbucks, hate it as much as you want, you can't escape it's round green disc glaring at you from every street corner. Especially when there's nothing else open and you havent had dinner, so you escape during the interval of a rather long theatre play to find some source of food and all you see is *$ (*star $bucks - gettit - yeah great) and all they have are some muffins and coffee. Which you grab and rush back to the theatre and start stuffing inside your mouth, only to find - a hair. OK, being used to venturing into many rather un-posh eateries, i'm used to finding the odd hair in my food. So taking it as a one off, I spit the mouthful out, and still being hungry, take another mouthful to find - yup more hair. Now, even me, with my rather lack of germaphobe tendencies, has to draw the line at two mouthfuls of hair. My friend and I dissect the muffin and find more evidence of hair. Now this was ridiculous, perhaps even sabotage on the part of some miffed *$ employee on his/her last shift on the muffin making production line, but I wasn't going to be the butt of his/her prank. I kept my muffin and the next day posted it with a letter about how disgusted I was with the hairy muffin. Starbucks's response £10 worth of vouchers. Woohoo! How very gracious of you you big multinational coffee spouting beast. I mentioned this to someone who lived in the states, and they said if I was in the US I'd have been better taking the hairy muffin to a lawyer who'd probably sue *$ for millions - making me very rich. Alas, I live in the UK which so far isn't a very litigious society. But one day, one day we can all aspire to live in an advanced, forward thinking, intelligent society like the United States... till then the £10 vouchers will have to suffice, I guess.

Outdoorsey

2006-04-21T15:35:00.000Z

I've never been the outdoorsey type, probably because I've spent my life growing up in various cities. So it was with a bit of trepadation I tried camping for the first time - it was a beautiful setting and everything - pity it was in Scotland in April! Freeeeezing. The borrowed supposed 4 season sleeping bag, turned out to be a crappy, cheap sleeping bag you could pick up for £5 at Tescos. Plus the rain - which hello, I know, its Scotland, what do I expect. But lying there, with my thermals, jumper, jacket, beanie on, and shivering, waiting for the night to be over, then falling into brief fitfuls of sleep, waking up with the feeling that someone was definitely walking over to the tent, possibly to jump on it and bring it down - tiny pathetic tent that it was - and so so cold, curled up in a ball - uh yeah aside from that it was all very nice. At least the next time I'm going to sleep in a tent - in Tanzania, the Serengeti to be precise - I won't have to worry so much about the cold, as the lions and hyenas, I suspect.

Next Blog

2006-04-11T16:29:00.000Z

Have you randomly clicked Next Blog from the top right handside of this page. I've done that a few times and have discovered the following:
Sometimes the pages you'll bring up will start downloading some weird software on your machine making it quite a risky venture,.
Sometimes the pages have X-rated photos, but most don't.
I would say around 50% of the pages are in Spanish.
The last few random clicks brought up the following blogs: Some marketing people writing their thoughts on their jobs; a dog-owner writing assumably under the guise of their dog and posting daily photos of the dog growing up; a student worrying about her classes and assignments; some religious types talking about God; as well as a whole lot of Spanish pages I couldn't understand.
Fascinating isn't it?

Cure for bird flu

2006-04-10T12:44:00.000Z

So we are selling our microwave on the gumtree (the only url you need to know as an antipodean in London) and the most bizarre man comes to buy it. As soon as he opened his mouth, I knew, here's trouble. Because he sounded exactly like my uncle. And knowing my uncle, I knew this guy would fight tooth and nail for a couple of quid. So he comes up with this elaborate story (OK I say story, it could possibly be the truth, but somehow I wasn't buying it) of how he was buying this microwave for a charity in Edinburgh (possibly because M is scottish? who knows?) who needed a microwave. First question, uh why buy a £15 microwave from london and take it to edinburgh. Second question, wouldn't it make sense to buy it over there? Third question, (mind I didnt ask any of these questions) what exactly is the name of this so-called charity? Anyway we agreed on the price, cos he was so insistent and just so we could get rid of him, and he seemed really pleased.

Then for the next round of bizarrenes. He brought our attention to a weird electronic contraption he was wearing around his neck. He said it was an ion diffuser. Basically it emitted ions around your face so you wouldnt pick up any germs while on the tube and in public. Hm, right. He was keen to show that since the diffuser was blowing air it proved that indeed it was producing uh 'ions'. Yes, right, couldn't possibly just be hot air? In fact, and let me quote him here "it is one of the only devices approved by a 'top scientist' that will prevent bird flu". He tried to convince us to buy one, but we politely refused, so he left us a card, in case you know, we realised our dire mistake, and while in the later stages of bird flu, while on our last breaths, we realise what fools we had been to not accept the life saving ion diffuser he'd so kindly offered to sell us and thank our lucky stars we still had his number... hm, yeah. Let me quote from his card: "Breathing Air is a necessity. Breathing "FreshAir" is a choice". Wise words, indeed.

He then asked to use our phone to make a local call, because he didnt have a mobile. Only later did we remember that he'd been calling us from his mobile to get directions to our house from the bus stop. Maybe he uh, accidentally-purposely-forgot he had a phone - making me further question the legitimacy of his charity story. Secondly, he was trying to get someone to help him pick up the microwave from our place, because he didnt want to take it on the tube, yet the next week he was taking it to edinburgh on the train?

Ah well, at least he bought the microwave, and now we know there is some sort of salvation for bird flu, just who knew it would come in the form of a whole lot of hot air?

B&B Bile

2006-04-04T13:06:00.000Z

So making our bi/tri-annual trip off to Scotland for the Easter break, and as usual have left the accommodation to the last minute - it's not something we usually have to worry about in Scotland but this time we don't fancy staying cooped up in a small cottage with M's relatives. So now all we have left for accommodation options are B&Bs. As mentioned before, I hate B&Bs. The worst B&B experience by far would have to be the one when we stayed in Skye. Run by an interfering old biddie who made our life miserable, she ran up the stairs and shushed and glared at us when we made the mistake of using the bathroom in the middle of the night. So the next night when we had to go, we creeped to the toilet and didnt flush - hey she told us off she had to deal with it! And then she had the gall, the gall I tell you, to charge £70 per night. *Shudder* It was such a mortifying, horrifying experience, that even though it was a few years ago it has completely tainted the image of B&Bs in my mind forever. The one we stayed in Torquay was OK, run by a couple of gay guys, they generally minded their own business, but the banter, ah the banter you had to make, how was your night? Did you have a good night? Where did you go for dinner? What did you eat for dinner? Shee... Hello, we're from london, we're not used to speaking to strangers, leave us be. Then they insisted, absolutely insisted we go to this restaurant which was run by one of their friends, and which turned out to be an awful, awful experience. B&Bs? You can shove your sorries in a sack mister - George.

To Nude or not to Nude

2006-04-04T12:03:00.000Z

So went for a swim at the gym last night, felt very good and healthy then decided to pop in to the (female only) sauna. OK now here's where things got a bit weird. I've just joined this gym, at my last gym there was a mixed sauna, hence swimsuits were compulsory - still in that habit I went to this female-only sauna with my swimmers on. Now all the ladies coming in were fully naked, which is good for them but they kept giving me weird looks. It's like hello, just cos I have my swim-suit on doesn't give you the right to chastisise me with your vibes. Anyway, so what if I choose to wear a swimsuit in the sauna, it could be against my religion to be completely naked, or I could simply not want to have all my bits out on display, especially since one side of the sauna wall is made of glass. And anyway, what's it to you if I'm naked or not? So anyway, I'm sitting there sweating it out, minding my own business, ignoring the vibes, when this woman, obviously unable to hold back asks me: Uh, excuse me, are you wearing a swimsut? Am I? Oh dear! I thought I was wearing a sack. Let me look, oh my yes, you're right it does appear I have a swimsuit on. Like, duh! So I say, why yes, you highly intelligent observant woman (well I dont say that) I have a swimsuit on. And then she goes, Oh, right OK. In this way that you know she's trying to hint at something. Then she says, I thought that swimsuits melted in this heat. Honestly, that's what she said. Like what the... Well I dont know about you, but I personally don't like to wear plastic/vinyl swimsuits - hey each to their own, if you have a fetish about such things its all well and good, but me, I've never had a problem with swimsuits melting in the sauna. Btw, I only actually said that last bit. She's like, right. And then she laughs in this tralala way that only Sloansey Notting hill-types do. We sit there for a few seconds more, but it was so awkward, not to mention, it felt like someone actually increased the heat in the sauna, and pretty soon she left. I only lasted a few more seconds after her and escaped as well, and can you believe I actually heard her talking about me, presumably to the staff, that there was someone wearing a swimsuit in the sauna. Now what is with that? I looked at the sauna rules and there's nothing about wearing swimsuits. Later I caught up with M and he mentioned how quite a few of the men in the mens-only sauna keep their swimmers on - so what's the deal? What's the deal ladies? Well of course I'm going to have to bow to pressure next time and go commando. Damn you unwritten rules.

Find your tail

2006-03-27T17:58:00.000Z

Went to the osteopath yesterday - this old guy whose been practicing for 35 years and is some kind of guru cos my other osteo referred me to him. Anyway, his advice for my bad back? 'Find your tail'.... Hm... Just find your tail. Lengthen it away from you. Imagine you're a kangaroo and have your tail to balance on. Um, right.
And then - Now close your eyes and imagine the table beneath you. How does the table feel? What is it trying to tell you? Eh? Uh, well my body is feeling supported?
No, no. How does the table feel? What's it doing? I uh, don't know. It's lying there? Like you know, a table? What energy is it producing in you? Geez, that's a tough one. So basically I make something up like it's uh tilted. And he's like yes, yes, it's tilted. What else? It's vibrating? Yes, let it vibrate. Let it move beneath you, let it push you from side to side till you settle back down. And there I'm thinking, should I have pressed some kind of button? I mean it's just a hard massage table, should it be doing something special? I tell you what though, the pillow on the table smelt like it'd been there for 35 years. I mean, OK so he put a sheet over it but still, like change the pillow once in a while. Anyway so this osteo tells me to go away and when I'm sitting to think of my tail. Hm, can't help but think I'd just put a wad of pound of notes in a blender then shoved them down the drain. Plus my back's still sore.

Toasted

2006-03-24T14:15:00.000Z

I quite enjoy cooking but I have to admit feeling extremely lazy at times. Which is why my past few lunches have consisted of toast with a variety of interesting toppings like jam and banana. Yesterday's dinner was a sandwich from pret, the night before that was a pizza. I'm hankering for warm, tasty food but when you work from home you cant be bothered to cook anything resembling that for lunch. And I'm a bit over pasta, and so totally over pesto. Not a fan of the pesto at all at the mo. I got a can of beans in the cupboard... hmmmm. Toast it is then. Again.

Ratattack

2006-03-24T13:03:00.000Z

I have a massive rodent fear - I dont know why i just do - which is a terrible affliction when you live in a city like London. Hello, I mean they did have the plague here for a reason - there's something like a billion rats in this city - well just about anyway.
Ever since the mice issue from my previous flat, I've been waiting for these critters to make an appearance in my new flat. At night I freak every time I hear a slight creak, I know they're down there, waiting, waiting till the day the come out and attack... Yeah OK, dont judge.
So there I am sitting in this private members media club, and it's all lovely and posh and they have these gold guilded chaise lounges scattered around the place. And I'm talking to these film producers when all of a sudden, there goes a mouse scuttling past our table and everyone sits there like it's nothing. And I'm in the middle of a sentence but my eye is just captivated by that stupid little mouse. But of course I just pretend i didn't see that hideous thing running past. Even though we all did. And I cant help but think that despite all its poshness, the place is just a bit grubby on the inside. Which is probably just about the perfect description for most of London. Everytime you watch an American version of London on TV it's all Big Bens and Buckingham Palace and Beefeaters, but they dont mention the Pigeons and rats and graffiti oh and the dogshit. Paris gets all the blame, but there's a lot of dogshit around as well. Aside from that, and the crowds and the pollution and the people who clip their nails on public transport (dont even get me started about that), its not so bad a place. Really. It's taken me a few years but I think I'm getting used to it. Finally.
And if it weren't for the mice, it may just about be well, not perfect by any means, but you know alright.

No More Takeaway Starbucks

2006-03-20T13:25:00.000Z

Something about people who carry takeaway cups of Starbucks and walk around the street sipping from their plastic teats, just annoys me. I dont know why, it just does. And the strange, downright bizarre thing is that I'm one of those people. Well not all the time, some of the times anyway - mostly when I'm forced to take another office job to pay the bills and the only thing that's going to get my eyes open in the mornings is a hit of the caffeinated stuff. And normally the only coffee takeaway place in the vicinity of whichever hell hole I end up working in, is a fungus like Starbucks.
But in any case. It's not like I take pleasure in walking around, milling about the streets, staring into shop windows like I'm bloody Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's while I take tiny, luxurious sips of Multinational, non fair trade crud thats supposed to be coffee. And I've noticed that its mostly women who sip takeaway coffee, not that many men - why is that?
OK so maybe I'm being irrational. Maybe I should be more specific in my annoyance category - OK so it's basically women (cos 7 times out of 10 it's women who sip coffee from the teat of their take away cups) who wear gym gear, including obligatory hat like it's real sunny or something even though I cant remember the last time I saw that big golden globe in the sky, and look like they've just done pilates or had a private session with their personal trainers who they may or may not had an affair with, who are rushing home to their Notting Hill pad while sipping Starbucks that annoy me. AND if you happen to be sipping a cup of Starbucks, while on the tube, While reading the Da Vinci Code then you just make me SICK - could you be more part of the mass if you tried?
OK so I'm not saying that everyone has an organic, fair-trade coffee store around the corner from them (I have two - haha - aint life grand! :P), and I'm not saying we should be like the Italians by swallowing strong small cups of potent high-grade caffeine straight down the hatch while standing at the bar, all I'm asking is can't we spend a few minutes walking down the street without the need to be caffeinating ourselves? Are we in such a delirious, dazed state of mind that its the only thing that keeps us going? Hmm.... Yeah I think I know the answer to that..

Rib tickling

2006-03-07T15:18:00.000Z

So I was watching the Oscars last night, while stuffing myself with Marks and Spencers choux pastry (It's no ordinary choux pastry...) and I noticed a trend on the red carpet. You are nobody but no body in Hollywood unless you have a xylophone chest. And I'm not talking just the odd bone sticking out - no sorry that won't cut it. You've got to have your entire rib cage poking through - we want to see lungs baby - enough so you can play your chest like an instrument rib by rib. Oh what a hollow sound it's sure to emanate. And then I thought, they may have their millions, and their fame, and look amazing in their ridiculously overpriced gowns (Charlize Theron boasted that her dress was flown first class from Paris! First class! Like, what? Did it have it's own seat? Did they serve it champagne? For such an ugly looking thing - I mean really what was with the bow - it seemed to have struck it pretty lucky)... Anyway for all that they have, they can't do one thing - and that is stuff their faces with custard and cream and chocolate all rolled into a rich pastry. It may not be much, but hey at least I got that over them. Suckers. Dont know what they're missing...

Caught tube handed

2006-02-24T16:51:00.000Z

You see it all the time, you'll be sitting on the tube, waiting for the doors to close (sometimes it's a bit of a waiting game, are they going to close? how many more suckers can they squeeze in before they close?) and then right at the end some idiot will come along, pay no heed to the beep beep sound that the closing tube doors make and stick their foot/leg/briefcase/head/baby in the doorway so the driver has to open the door for their slow moving arses to get in. I've seen people do this trick then stand in the doorway till each one of their twenty friends gets in. Well something about this manoeuvre must've seeped in to my consciousness. For after a nice relaxing session of cranial osteopathy (dont those two words just send you adrift into a state of bliss?) I went to catch the tube and ran up the stairs two at a time, heard the beep sound, saw the doors close, but somewhere in my head something told me - go for it, stick your arm in. And thats what I did. I stuck my arm into the closing door and guess what. The bastard slam shut on it. There I was with my arm stuck in the closed tube door. My flailing hand inside the carriage, whilst the rest of my body stuck outside on the platform trying to pull it out. The lovely tube driver though didnt bother opening the door, nobody inside the carriage bothered helping me, and I for a split second thought what if this bloody train starts to move. Then out of nowhere a guy comes and starts to help me, he pulls open the doors so i can get my hand out, the tube doors slam shut. The driver shouts something and the train starts to move. The guy who helped me just stood and stared at the perfect A-grade idiot before him. So embarrassing... I have been since informed that one must stick a foot or leg in, not one's arm. With a foot or leg you can use your arms to prise the door open. Not that I intend to do that manoeuvre again - well not until the next cranial osteopathy session.

Being sick sucks

2006-02-21T14:39:00.000Z

With all the complaining and whingeing I do, it's only when I fall ill that I realise that at least I've got my health - because it sucks so magnificently much to be sick. It's only when you're sitting in your NHS waiting room with dozens of other sniffling, sneezing, whingeing pathetic souls waiting to be served up like mucusey slop to the GP who assesses your illness with his half-glazed/half-dead eyes only to send you packing with the standard ibuprofen and antibiotic combo (would you like a nasal spray with that?) do you realise that you dont even have the energy to be angry anymore. And where's the fun in that? A life without anger is a life half-lived or something like that isnt it? Luckily I'm slowly starting to recover and slowly starting to uncover all the many injustices I have missed out on during my hiatus. Bring it on...

How I've offended people in the last couple of days

2006-02-03T15:43:00.000Z

Told a friend's boyfriend he reminded me of Steve Coogan - cos he totally does. It's uncanny - just dont understand why other people don't get it. Anyway, my friend tells me ever since the comment "I'm in his black book." OK so its not so much the way he looks but the way he talks like him.

Told a Puerto Rican I didnt understand the controversy about the Seinfeld episode where Kramer accidentally burns a Puerto Rican flag. Apparently it was unbelievably offensive. Guess I'm not Puerto Rican so I can't judge, but I thought it wasn't done to cause offense.

be adding to this list later...

Blackboard jungle

2006-02-03T12:30:00.000Z

Wow its been a week since I last wrote - which doesnt bode well for the future of this blog. Not like i'll have all these sad readers who'll lament its passing. But I dont want to RIP it just yet. Been a pretty busy girl:

5 scripts due in 5 days - an actual paid commission!
4 social engagements plus 2 professional in 4 days (yeah i'm such the social butterfly - not)
Corrupting the next generation - every week.

I've been teaching primary school kids how to write plays after school. All together now - Awwwwwww! Yeah they are greeeat kids. :P
Did get into a bit of a war of wills with this little girl who I made sit at the front of the class cos she was annoying me. And she's like No I'm sitting at the Back. I'm like no you're sitting at the front. Repeat x 2. The other teachers are looking at me like uh, you're not supposed to argue with the kids. Hey nobody taught me to teach! You're lucky I turn up. No of course its not like that. It's all very sweet and nice and we dance around in meadows. And I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to pass on my skills to the children, the lovely children.

Scary moment: doing an exercise with a kid about acting out something he's experienced recently and he mentions seeing a man jumping off a building to his death. London kids eh, they're hard by 8.

Anti-Social Behaviour

2006-01-26T16:36:00.000Z

A friend and I were discussing (via email - you mean people actually talk these days?!) that we've never looked forward to any social outing ever. Well okay that's a slight exaggeration, but generally social gatherings fill me with dread. I know its a total syndrome of today's electronic society or maybe I'm just a leper. So I have to force myself to go out, I do force myself. I'm not like a you know, hibernating bear, although I do feel like it at times especially in January. In any case I was meant to go to a dance class today. Yes an actual dance class - I've never been to a dance class unless you count the tap and ballet lessons my mother forced me to attend as a child. So anyway these dance people sent an email around asking us to bring feather boas and high heels for the stretching part of the lesson - like whatta? And there will be photographers capturing us for the website - whatta whatta? Yeah OK I know I live in notting hill but this is ridiculous. So I'm canning that idea. Now I'm faced with two other social invitiations, some literary talk or going to the pub to celebrate australia day - and you know what I'd rather do? Stay in a warm flat and watch TV. What's wrong with me? Maybe I've learnt my lesson, I went out for a little bit today and bought some shoes on the way (I'm sickeningly obsessed with shoe buying) and came back to find the DHL courier had dropped by. Now if I'd stayed at home I would've received my parcel - that'll teach me for venturing outside.

River whales and cyclops kittens

2006-01-20T15:13:00.000Z

There's a whale swimming up the Thames today. First time thats ever happened in history. It was trying to beach itself around Battersea, where I first lived when I moved to London. If I was there I'd go see it. I felt so sorry for it, splashing its tail around and all this blood in the murky brown water. They think its hurt. I have an affinity with whales, one day I hope to swim with one. If thats not weird enough I then saw this photo. Is it just the beginning of the year craziness? Or is this the beginning of something a lot more sinister? Aliens attacking perhaps?.... hmmmmm Think about that one....

It's a weird WWWeb out there

2006-01-16T14:03:00.000Z

Imagine a conversation someone had with another someone about a website they wanted to create - ok picture this right, I eat and then I cry and I video myself doing this and post it on the web. And then like see I get all these other weirdos *ahem* people to like do the same, and it would be like such a post post modern ironic statement about the banality of existence, not to mention it'd be like soooo coool. And like weird. But cool. Cool and weird. Isn't that like what the internet is all about?
Watch people eating while they cry. Why? Cos its out there and you know you're curious. And a little disturbed...

Crossing the line between man and bum

2006-01-12T18:14:00.000Z

Seinfeldisms - just cause we all need a laugh - well they make me laugh anyway...

"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Yes."
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."
- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"

"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.'"
- George, in "The Bris"

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember it was such a special treat, you go and they serve you this different food you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure. And now, I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
The Chinese Restaurant

Jerry: All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I'm wearing a little hat, I'm jumping through fire.. They're putting their little alien heads in my mouth...
Jerry: At least it's show business...
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to, uh... you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: Then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
The Bizarro Jerry

Theatrical conversation

2006-01-12T14:47:00.000Z

This is a conversation I had last night with a literary theatre lady in the interval of a play.
Theatre lady (TL): So what does (-insert indian word-) mean?
Me trying to grasp at the meaning since I really wasnt sure offer some kind of explanation.
TL trying to understand but not really: Right, right. But what does it mean? Because I heard it used a few times in the play.
Me really trying to remember, offer pretty much the same explanation again. I'm like a thesaurus. Then say: I really am not the best person to ask.
TL: (Shocked - and I dont mean sarcastically shocked, like actually shocked) Really? You're not?
Me: No see, since I'm not Indian. I dont speak hindi, I speak (-insert my language-) (I start to offer an explanation of the differences in my heritage and Indian culture).
TL (a bit intensely now trying to understand) Tries to pronounce the name of my language but fails: Right, right. So what do the images mean in Indian culture. (And trust me she phrased this question so vaguely I had no idea what she was on about and we went back and forth for a bit before I ascertained that's what she was asking).
Me: (Really confused) You mean the images in the play?
TL: Yes, yes the play. The images.
Me: I uh, (vaguely trying to remember any significant images and really pushing my mind into overtime trying to find links but failing) I really can't say, since Indian culture is quite different from my own. (and really I thought of attempting an explanation but thought I didnt want to be the second fool in this conversation).
TL: Really? Is it? But the images... They surely have some significance.
OK lets pause here and consider the fact that she works in the literary department of the theatre where the play was being performed. OK so she's new there, but still...
Me: Uh, I uh, you know I'll have to let the play sink in, give it some time before I can really discover the full significance... blah blah bullshit.
TL: Yes, but what do the images mean in Indian culture. (Here she takes a big sip of wine).
OK now firstly I could be offended because she really didnt get that I wasn't Indian. Secondly I could consider that perhaps she was testing my credentials as a playwright. But I didnt think either, she was a well-meaning intense kind of nervous woman who just didnt know better, but still I was left very confused. And strangely enough so was she by this odd conversation.
TL (suddenly the penny seems to drop): OH ah, right, well, yes... (starts beating a hasty retreat). See you after the play.
Of course we never spoke after the play. But the whole thing was So Weird....
Really did show how damn anglo-centric the whole of the theatre world is (yeah, like no duh!) despite their best efforts in trying to be "inclusive" by recruiting people like me on board.
Anyway welcome back London.

A dog gone year

2006-01-01T10:34:00.000Z

All hail oh father, the end of the year of the rooster...
Welcome Year of the Dog
Although I guess technically since the Chinese new year hasnt happened yet, it is still year of the rooster and the dog year has yet to begin.. Chinese new year by the way happens to be on January 29th 2006. Dont you hate it when a new year begins and it takes you months before you get used to writing the new year when you're writing dates? Like you know you'll be still accidentally putting 05 when you mean 06 in Feb... Unless of course you happen to be you know, quite anal.
But interestingly it is Year 4702 by Chinese calendar - which means without actually realising it we are living in the future. And we really should be writing 02 in our dates since Chinese civilisation is far more older than the dominant western one.

So yesterday as we were on our way to the new years eve celebrations in the desert, it started to rain - in the desert, and I couldnt believe that I was in the desert and it was bloody well raining! And OK so rain is not that Uncommon in the desert but still... its an actual desert and I was there and it was raining! What are the chances of that?

The rain incidentally made front page news in The Gulf News. Our daily subscription to the paper has taught me a lot of facts about this part of the world. Which despite all its technocratic appearances, with its big malls and luxury hotels reveals a country still holding on to archaic religiously-influenced laws which has no real rights for the expats who form a majority of the population.
For eg - Facts:
- Homosexuality is illegal. As my Gulf News informed me there was outrage when a few "gays" started sending photos of each other using bluetooth technology. How the old and new world collide.
- Bachelors are regarded as less-desirables. My Gulf News informed me of how a landlord evicted all the bachelors of his building, just because of their single status. And how certain residents complained of bachelors living next door to them. The shock! Can you imagine The Odd Couple next door to you? Really..
- Labourers are treated akin to animals. With their shocking labour camps and no working rights, means that as my Gulf News reported, a whole bunch of them could work for no pay for 6 months, and their employer still doesnt have to pay them despite being caught out.
OK so its not really my Gulf News, just a paper that keeps my singular functioning braincell occupied with its rather haphazard reporting. What my Gulf News didnt report is that living in the UAE can make you fat.
Fact: No body walks, everyone drives. You can even drive to the laundry beep your horn and a little man comes scuttling out to serve you.
You have people to clean after you cook for you, i'm sure you could even find someone to chew your food and inject it straight into your gullet if you couldnt be bothered with the tiresome act of chewing.
Counting down to 5 more days to London... I know I'll regret looking forward to coming back as soon as I arrive back into Heathrow - which is a place that surely must feature on one of Dante's rings of hell.

Desert Travails

2005-12-28T14:01:00.000Z

Camels on the side of the road. The sad thing was their front legs were tied together by rope so they could barely move, and just sort of hobbled from tree to tree. But guess it stopped them from running in front of cars... Now that would be an unpleasant mess.

Starfish! Dont really see them on beaches in Oz.

Omani Fort - not much else to say about that really...

Chasing the Arabian sun

2005-12-21T10:28:00.000Z

Sun, sea, souks, shawarma - thats been the way I've been spending the last few days in Oman. But the days of luxury are soon to come to an end - booked a budget hotel in Muttrah - a part of Muscat - the capital of Oman - in the Arabian Gulf - uh - the Middle East - Earth.
Free internet at this hotel, I'll be happy with free towels in the next.
The adventure continues..... wooooooo!

Feeling hot, not, what?

2005-12-14T13:56:00.000Z

Here I am, in the Middle of the East, its warm but not scorching - mild, pleasant but I'd rather it be hotter. HOT HOT Heat burn me. The mental gears are finding it hard to shift but breakdown:
Flight: anyone flown Etihad? Anyone even heard of them? Service crap, seats small, inflight entertainment pretty good - I was in the last row with 3 crying babies around me and a fat woman spilling into my seat. I even let her have the shared middle armrest all to herself. Which I think was pretty generous of me. Hate the shared armrest hoggers. And what do I get in return, constant elbowing as she shifted in her seat and a pleasant aroma of feet. Mmm I love cattle class.

Jet lag: I shouldnt, but I have it. Sleep at 4.30am, wake from sounds of loud morning prayers at 5.30am, which if I wasnt so tired would've appreciated the exoticism of it, fall asleep but wake from sounds of constant construction work at 7am, sleep, phone rings, eventually wake at 1pm. Tired.

Best part: Shoemart - I love this shop. Buy great bag and two pairs of shoes.

Memories are made of this: Watching my mum watching outrageously plotted Indian soaps. Like the one about the two women but one is a reincarnation of a man's dead wife, but now she's evil and hell bent on winning her husband back, except she's in the body of a teenager. whatta whatta?

See the Sydney riots on CNN and feel sad about it. It's all bubbling up to the surface now...

Aussie blogs

2005-12-08T17:18:00.000Z

So Australia's best blogs were announced recently - and the winner is some travelling chick (who's a bit boring in my opinion *yawn*). Where were my friends? Anyway, this one is quite cute.

I miss Oz. I was recently interviewed on some late night BBC radio show (you know cos I'm just so showbiz - and not just another loser they needed to fill in airtime at like midnight) and they asked what my favourite city was (since I've lived in a few - I said I was showbiz didn't I?) and I said Sydney. Sydney, Sydney, Sydney by far! Although, having met quite a few Aussies in London, I have to say that Sydney-siders end up bad-mouthing their city far more than the other Aussies (I mean hello Adelaide(ians - is it?) you've really got nothing to boast about). Apparently Sydney's like a fashion model, all pretty on the outside but shallow on the inside. Well, its kind of true... But its still a lovely place to live. I mean certainly you won't get to watch Kevin Spacey performing in Richard the II (which was great btw), but you get the beach! The weather! No contest in my opinion.

Global changing

2005-12-08T16:59:00.000Z

I like how American right-wing nutters try to justify the various wrongs they've committed in this world. It's not global warming apparently, it's uh, global "changing". This guy actually points to the fact that since certain parts of the US have been experiencing freezing temperatures means that the world isn't becoming a warmer place. Such logic! I love it. I can just picture one little hamster slowly crawling on a rusty wheel that is squeakingly turning in his miniscule brain. Turn little hamster, turn! We need you to give me stuff to ironically laugh at. Ha. Ha.

Becoming a grown up

2005-12-07T17:21:00.000Z

I'm terrified by the fact that most of my friends are becoming grown-ups. What's going on? It's scary! Does that mean I have to become one too?

Expiration date conspiracy

2005-12-07T15:53:00.000Z

I just ate some yoghurt that was 10 days out of date - and it tasted just fine. And its not the first time I've eaten something the label claimed was "expired". Which makes me wonder, are expiration dates just a conspiracy by food manufacturers to keep us buying new products and keep throwing out old ones even though they are perfectly usable. This way they keep churning the growing food economy - I'm assuming its growing since you know, we all eat and there's a growing world population and quite a few of us are far too fat.

I know the germaphobes of you out there are practically retching right now. Yes you know who you are ;).

Anyway here are my tips for food products the manufacturer claims are "expired":

If its smelly - it'll hurt your belly
If its green - it probably aint clean
If its mouldy - it's a bit too old-y
If its fuzzy - it'll give you a buzz-y (but make sure you dial emergency just in case)

In case you cant tell by my witty tralala writing style (wipe away those tears of laughter if you need to), this is all a bit tongue-in-cheek. Rest assured if you ever find yourself eating at my place, I promise not to serve you any expired food - well, food that I deem has expired anyway (which may or may not correlate with the date on the box)... I'm kidding of course.. Really

Sloth ridden

2005-12-07T15:00:00.000Z

I'm so completely lazy right now its not funny. Can barely move myself from the bed, to the TV to the computer. I like this quote, Being a writer is 3% inspiration, and 97% trying not to get distracted by the internet. So true.

I also like this Homer Simpson quote - "I'm not lying. I'm writing fiction with my mouth."

So Milan was great. Best thing - free food when you order a drink at cocktail hour in all bars. Don't you love it - cocktail hour! Especially since the "hour" actually runs from like 6-9pm. 2 out of 3 nights we didnt eat dinner because we were too full from these bar snacks. Of course no self-respecting Milanese would be caught dead stuffing their faces with bar snacks, but we were neither self-respecting or Milanese. Plus two girls always get great treatment from Italian bar men - one of them even sliced up a passionfruit and gave it to us with little silver spoons inside - aww sweeet.. if not a little curious.

Big tip - always drink at the bar. Our cappuccino cost 1.10euros standing at the bar and a whoppping 4.70euros sitting down! Whoa what a mark up! No forget that - ridiculous mark-up #2 - 8.50 euros for half a pint of beer sitting down!!! Thats one expensive city.

Best thing #2 - upgrade at hotel room. We got a business class room in this 4 star hotel - which had twin black marble sinks - loving that! Wish I could get one at home. Oh to have the luxury of your own sink. Then there were twin showers facing each other. Plus a bath with another shower. 3 showers? Thats just crazy talk.

The duomo was amazing - although love the whole Italian disregard for health and safety. There we were up on the marble roof, which was icy and wet with nothing but a little railing stopping us from tumbling downwards to a messy if not rather posh death.

So barely been back a couple of days and leaving for Dubai day after tomorrow. Dont know why I bother unpacking sometimes. Looking forward to some glorious warmth and sunshine.. aaah.

Why the world conspires to make me angry

2005-12-02T14:39:00.000Z

Yesterday started off as such a pleasant ol' day. I had lunch with my friend and her crying baby - *the cute little darling* - and we took him to see santa clause, a frankly scary old man with a polish-accent, a really bad wig and an ill-fitting beard who sat inside a giant christmas tree waiting for little children to visit him.... Then later in the evening I went late-night shopping and found the perfect bag, which to my great pleasure and surprise was discounted by 20%. And later on as I sat drinking coffee with my gorgeous new purchase sitting quietly next to me, I thought what an angelic perfect baby I have, all shiny and new and not making a fuss. Plus it had the added benefit of matching my outfit. And then I considered that thought and realised only people without kids can look upon new bags as babies. But is that really so wrong?

And then I had a nice meal with M, and the evening was going so well until it came time to leave. Four fat middle-aged suits (lets call them Pigs) sat at the end of the row of tables, having arrived at 11pm to "'ave a curry 'an a beer". The clientele till that point had been very nice and polite. But these guys pushed their chairs far back towards the wall and placed all their coats, bags etc in the way, thereby blocking the exit. As I got up to leave I had to walk past them, so I asked quite politely "Excuse me, can I get through?" And they sat for a while and considered that statement, and then finally moved their fat arses. One of them said something but I ignored it. As I was putting on my coat he kept saying the same thing, and its only on the fourth time he said it that I realised he was saying "Say please!" And not in a funny jovial manner, but in a demanding arrogant way. So I looked at him and his companions and said in a sardonic manner, "Oh excuse me! Thank you! Please. (And like George in Seinfeld when he was offered the ketchup from the couple sitting behind him in the cafe) Very gracious.." Then I went to the bathroom. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Why should they demand I say please? Who the hell were they? The frigging polite society out on a social excursion? So I came back and as I was leaving I said to M, "There's a lot of racist testosterone in the air tonight..." But they didnt hear that. So I said a bit louder as we walked past them while making eye-contact with one of the pigs, "So rude, so f*king rude!" They heard that and they all turned around and watched us leave.

When you think about it, it's such a small thing. But it really kind of ruined the night. The great meal, the great purchase, all spoilt by four fat pigs. And all I could think of was I hope they contract e-coli, or have the worst horrendous curry cramps that have them bed-ridden for weeks, or they accidentally fall down the stairs and stab themselves in the eye. I wish I could've grabbed the glass of water sitting next to the sayplease pig and splashed it in his face and said please as I did it. Arrrrggggh. Londoners can be real shits sometimes. Four years in this city has definitely contributed to making me angry.

What annoys me most, is that these fat middle-aged suits feel that they have some inherent right to the world. That being at the top of the food chain, they can demand what they want of those they deem below them in the pecking order. They are the ones in their pinstriped suits carrying their pointy golf umbrellas sideways in crowded tubes, they are the ones who work in the square-mile of the City earning megabucks and blaming the breakdown of society on single mothers as they sip their £5 cappuccinos, they are the ones who have made this world the f*cked up place it currently is - I mean lets just look at our political "leaders" shall we. What great icons of admiration they be.

OK, so anyway, I've vented. I'm off on a girls weekend to Milan, so any Italian suits better watch out. Which considering how everyone dresses up in Italy means this weekend could be a whole lotta trouble! Which is why I've already started by brushing up on my Italian - Cuolo di schimia and Vaffanculo should come in handy.

Hey, dude!

2005-12-01T15:28:00.000Z

I've noticed I've started saying 'dude' a lot recently. I dont know why. It's annoying, and fairly obnoxious, but its out there. Duuude. I mean what do I think I am, some Californian surfer stuck in the 80's? Honestly.

How about man - thats a bit outdated now, right? Hey, man! What's up, man? You know, man, you really shouldn't be wearing cords anymore. They are so 1990's. And I've never been able to use mate. Hey, mate, can you pass us that blade so I can cut through the wires of this car alarm? So random. Mate, goin' down to the pub? No one's ever said that to me. I'm more likely to hear, lets get some cocktails at that new bar in Soho. It's more a bloke thing, I think, mate. Mate, you want to grab some jellied eels?

I noticed on Lost that the fat guy says dude alot. After a while all that dude-saying becomes really irritating. "It's like dude, don't go down there, the polar bear will come out and like totally like get you! Dude!" Blah.

Maybe I'll start saying Rad, and Gnarly, and Right on! Or yo. Or hommie. Or homeboy. Or maybe even brotha, or sistah - how obnoxious would that be. My sistah, pass the doochie on the left hand side. Peace out!

Eye gouging filmmaking

2005-11-30T13:32:00.000Z

Saw Flightplan last night - wow what a film! It made me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a fork and then stab them for having witnessed such a heinous act of filmmaking. Aside from that it was great...

Ever been in a film where it gets so bad that you just cant help but laugh (in a sardonic manner of course - which goes a little something like huh huh, or just a hur), and then you look around and find that in fact nobody but you is laughing in such a way? Instead these people are actually being pulled into the utter nonsensical claptrap that is being projected for their mindless consumption? Are these the same people who hanker for McDonalds and feel satisfied after eating a Big Mac?

It was a rubbish film because it failed to fulfill two basic remits of storytelling:
1) Suspension of disbelief
2) A sympathetic protagonist

What was Jodie Foster thinking?

Not quite bad as Love Actually (people - do you really think Londoners live like that? Do you? Really? Is that why you made it the most rented movie of 2004? Why? Why? Why? Have you no taste? No qualms? No consideration for quality? OK I'll stop, but still I'll suffer... Especially since people close to me admit to liking the film) but still its up there.

Thank God that the Pillow Book was on Channel 4 - stayed up till 2am watching it to get rid of the slimy, grimy, lardy aftertaste of Flightplan. If you havent seen it I thoroughly recommend it...

Places that didnt make me angry

2005-11-28T16:30:00.000Z

Croatia is stunning - the sun, the sea, the food, helps me in my struggle through the drudgery of winter in London

Kong in Paris, great location, great atmosphere, expensive, but worth it.. Despite the showy, pretentious fashionista wannabes

Single vs Married problems

2005-11-28T15:41:00.000Z

I have married friends I have single friends. However the latter far outweigh the former. Two of them came to me with a problem each - you decide which is worse:
Single Friend cant seem to find any decent men around - I know, SHOCK HORROR! Which is why she's currently dating a man who carries around his car stereo in his pocket and has various skin ailments including psoraisis. And to top it off an in-grown toenail affliction which he delights in talking about. Despite this, she continues to date him and even kissed him... gasp! What's the problem you ask? Nothing, except she finds this man fairly repulsive.
Married friend - her husband is obsessed with porn on the net - I know once again, SHOCK HORROR. Who isn't you may ask? However she finds the whole obsession a bit creepy but despite this she has come to a compromise - next time he wants to look at porn, he does it with her. Which seems fair enough? Except that she has caught him going at it on his own again.

Hmm... tough one. My answer to both: Thank God you're not married to/dating a man with psoraisis who is obsessed with porn. I mean come on, we've got to be grateful for what we don't have as well as what we do.

Literati wankerati

2005-11-25T15:38:00.000Z

So there they all were last night, the cream of the british literati scene comprising of a super-agent, Penguin big-gun, and two of the hot young things from the Brit-Lit scene - lets call them Mr and Ms Brit Lit. Mr BritLit (BL) was flanked by his ingenue blonde artiste girlfriend, who sat curled up on the couch sipping cocktails looking like she belonged in a 60's movie with Brigitte Bardot. Ms BL who arrived late wearing knee high black boots (with silver zips at the back) fish-net stockings, and a black pencil suit sucked vigorously at a cigarette and sipped mineral water in a champagne glass. It's like hello, this isn't the Left Bank love. "Since when did writers start to look like corporate suits?" My friend asked. It's true, they did. Mr BL wore a black fitted V-neck sweater with Top Brand jeans (which I'm sure cost more than a hundred quid at least) with polished black leather shoes that didnt even have creases in them yet. And even though he sipped a beer and tried to cover up the posh accent you couldn't help but think - ah you can take the boy out of Oxford, but you can never, ever, take that Oxbridge wanky attitude out of the "boy". But best of all was the Penguin big-gun, calling Austin Powers - your mini-me is right here! Who larffed larffed larffed with his loud obnoxious larf, flanked by his blonde girlfriend and Mr BL's blonde ingenue, pretending like he was James Bond. Made me honestly re-think wanting this whole literary career.

Image of the night - Penguin Big-gun and Mr BL dressed up like twins in identikit sweater-jeans combo, flanked by their two blondes, laughing as they coiffed their wines like they were the f*ckin Gatsby's. Almost made me want to puke. I can still taste the bile in my mouth from thinking about that sight.

Here you see my image of hip young writers in their bohemian get-up come shattering down to reality. They're not living life on the line in the urban jungle, sucking out the guts of the world and spitting them out on the page like Modern day Ernest Hemingways. No they are just Posh twats who wear V-Neck jumpers and drink red wine while quoting 16th century poetry and commenting on how it holds so much relevance to us today (real example from last night). Oh how simplistically naive I be... stupid girl.

Hooray I finished my scripts!

2005-11-25T14:12:00.000Z

Final drafts sent off yesterday - didnt think I could do it but there you go, the editor really liked them - to air in January! Yay!

Best part - got paid 75% of commission before writing a word
Bad part - Money was already spent before receiving a penny

Looking at buying a new TV since the 14 year-old Bush Battler is starting to look a bit dated - might check with antique shops if they'd give me some money for it. No second-hand dodgy ebay deals any more - not after last time - spending £400 on a busted plasma esp. when the bastard wouldn't take it back and wouldnt return calls/emails. Hope he's a shrivelled up decaying wreck with electrocuted balls. Aaah that's better...

Funny Spam

2005-11-24T13:23:00.000Z

These two letters made me wonder, who/what exactly did they use to translate what must've originally been written in a foreign language

Sir/Madam,
Your current situation has been shown to the specific parties, and upon meticulous contemplation, we are able to extend to you the next opportunity.

Based upon meticulous contemplation you meet the criteria to attain a abundant revenue on your initial property investment.

By completing the next attached form in a timely manner we will be able to conclude our evaluation, and we feel firm you will attain not only a reduced rate of interest, but also a cash return that will accomplish all your holiday needs and more!

Please go here to conclude this juncture of the settlement.

With sincerest regards,

Alyssa Golden

Dear Alyssa, I am intrigued and privileged by the meticulous contemplation you have bestowed upon my slovenly being. I shall henceforth respond herewith with the utmost haste in concluding with great forethought this juncture of settlement, henceforth forewith yours incontinently...

And straight after that my mate Darrel emailed me about this exciting offer:

Sir/Madam,
Your portfolio has been reviewed to the specific committees, and upon prudent forethought, we are able to submit to you the ensuing opportunity.

Based upon prudent forethought you meet the criteria to get a princely earnings on your first property investment.

By completing the ensuing attached form in a timely manner we will be able to settle our assessment, and we feel firm you will get not only a reduced rate of interest, but also a cash return that will realize all your holiday needs and more!

Please go here to settle this period of the contract.

Hoping on the best for you all.

Darrel Call

Dear Darrel, the prudent forethought you have offered me has spurred me to hencewith instigate the receiving of the port of communication which shall enable us complete in a timely manner the matters required to obtain a princely monetary return.

These spam emails highlight two obvious points:

1) I obviously don't get enough email from actual friends so I now have to resort to opening junk mail... *sigh* sad but true... No wonder I'm so angry
2) Babelfish is great in theory but perhaps not so good in practice. Eg De beste Heer/Mevrouw thou hast voortaan bewezen aan mij dat thou veel teveel tijd op thy handen heeft.

A funeral weekend

2005-11-23T17:50:00.000Z

The question is why does the word Funeral have Fun in it? Far from it I think.
Well you know the funeral wasnt even the reason why my weekend sucked so desperately badly. Three words as my friend remarked when I told her about it - Weird Waspy Clan (man). I dont know. I got shunned and treated with utter contempt for being there to offer my condolences. Last time I try to be nice.
The other crappy thing - the B&B - wow OK can I just come out and say this - I HATE B&B'S! I'll take an anonymous sprawling globalised multinational soul-killing chain hotel any day. Anyone who has twee ideas about nice old ladies serving tea with your scones as you smoke your pipe in the library is sorely mistaken about what B&Bs really are. They are full of incompetent, slow, miserable people who make Faulty Towers look like Hotel du Vin. Having a room opposite the Breakfast room doesnt help. From 7 am you hear the other sad losers coming in and making idle chit chat with the unbelievably slloooowww cook about how they were there for a christening, holiday, shopping break, killing spree whatever... I really didnt need to know. Never have I been happier to arrive back into Kings Cross at close to midnight. Which if you've ever been in Kings Cross close to midnight is saying a lot.

Things/people that/who really irk me

2005-11-23T17:01:00.000Z

1) Beatch who lives downstairs. She was such a random pain in the arse when we were moving into our flat. Stood outside the flat with her watch waiting till it was 6pm and we couldn't legally do any work and told us if we did she would be calling the police. AND THEN 3 MONTHS LATER - Beatch pretended to not know me and wouldnt let me into the building - mentioned the graffiti problem the building had been experiencing and i was like well it wasn't me (you effing piece of stinky crap).
Honestly this woman walks around with army pants in her garden, with her red cropped hair thinking she's some butch Arnold Schwarzeneggar... yes I did say butch - Arnie'd be scared of her.
2)The Health clinic where I was getting accupuncture for my lower back pain who suddenly without warning decided to take me off their books. Ugh the NHS bureaucracy is absolutely mind boggling. It was due to administrative errors but now they won't let me back till May next year! Like what the...? *Need to write complaint letter.
3) My writing career - ok so I'm getting some paid work but where the hell are the publishing editors with their six figure bidding wars? Spoke to a couple at Penguin and Bloomsbury - but what good were you? What good were you I ask you?!!!
4) People who think they're better than me but pretend to be my friend (God I sound so 14) /be interested in my writing. F**k YOU. It's like oh yeah, and I read so and so, and really, yah... these people seem to either exist in the theatre world or be american (Or both in one case so far).
5) Random anger I hold for people in the past including my first boss when I was a graduate. Man Hands hope you rot. The reference of course taken from the Seinfeld Man hands episode - cos my boss had these huge hands she being 6 foot 3 and all. And the racist biddy Delia who lived next door to me in my first flat in London All Saints Court Battersea. God I hope maggots are feasting on your intestines you horrendous piece of work.
6) Finally and most importantly the Government of The United states of America - for this and this and this and especially this idiot and all that you've done in making this world such a horrendous place you c*nts.
OK thats all for now but I'm sure i'll be adding to this list later

Dont look back in anger

2005-11-23T14:26:00.000Z

Some anger quotes:

- Anger does nobody good, but patience is the father of kindness - Anonymous. *Yawn, try being kind in a big city like London. Reminds me of this San Franciscan who moved to this city recently and told a girl on the tube she had a nice skirt. Well the looks she got and the way the girl moved slowly but surely away from her, she may as well be carrying a black bag with explosives.*

- . . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. ~ Herman Melville, Moby Dick *Yes! How I feel first thing in the morning* rraaaaaaaah

- When angry count four; when very angry, swear. - Mark Twain *Oh f*ck*

- Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. ~Albert Einstein *Note to self - first must get bosom then must find fool - yeah ok already got one of those*